it was supposed to be...

It was supposed to be a happy day today.

I remember how we celebrated our birthdays. We’d have lovely cakes, family gatherings, and a simple meal then.

I’d remember the excitement and the special attention we’d shower on one another to make each other feel special. I remember, with a smile, how I insisted on going to Lau Pa Sat to celebrate your birthday- you agreed although Lau Pa Sat was the hardest place to park your car in back then.

Today is your birthday. I wonder how it must have been like to celebrate your birthday for the past eight years, without the usual faces and usual practices. Are you having fun?

I feel a tinge of regret, yet detect a faint trace of mockery in myself as I pen this entry. Are you happy where you are now? Did the second step of faith lift you up, only to send you tumbling down greater depths? Do you ever regret and reminisce, I wonder.

I don't feel good remembering your birthday and not doing anything about it.

You came into my life and you left, leaving in us too much emotional entanglements and bitterness. I’ve moved on, I’ve stopped hating, and I still remember you once in a while.

Happy birthday Dad. God bless.

Bleeding.

My heart bleeds for you. It aches for you, yearns for you, and overwhelms for you to the extent where I can continue no more.

Try as I might I dare not reveal myself. Will this be a slippery slope down to insanity? What ifs. So much doubts fill my mind, cloud my vision. What ifs.

The possible repercussions fill my mind. Like a playwright I rehearse the scenes over and over in my mind. Ending A? Cut. Ending B? Cut. 

The final act is over. The lights are dimmed, and I take a bow. The curtains come down.

I must be objective, I tell myself. Let's do it the right way. Let's not rush into things. Let's take it step by step, I hear myself say.

Yet none of these help to suppress the overflowing emotions within me, nor give me a clear direction. I feel like a fool babbling away into nothingness.

O the times I spent thinking about it, pondering, thinking. The times I prayed about it, and felt peace. Then again...my heart's crippled by the veins I keep on closing.

i is puzzled.

Dearest all,

I hope this note finds you well.

The abovementioned sentence has been such a part of my life for the past almost-2-years-to-be that I find myself using this line in church, private emails, messages and even hand-written notes.

Before I forget, blessed birthday to wwxd! God bless loads =)

It just occured to me that I’ve been with DC Samuel for almost two years. That, to me, was almost an impossible feat. (With 6 months the maximum duration I’d stay for any job) All this has changed drastically since I joined this team. (上贼船了) For once, I’ve experienced the goody old feeling that sense of ownership and belonging to an organisation! Thank God for His provision and blessing in every area.

Additionally, my smokin’ HP desktop at home decided to transmit its parting note via the means of a burnt 1GB RAM module, and simulating a temple like environment in my room on Friday night with the smoke and smells. Thankfully, it has been given a new lease of life by Mr and Mrs Ng, who have kindly blessed me with replacement parts. Count my blessings indeed- this was something much unexpected and something I am really grateful for.

What’s left is probably a decent casing and a stable power supply. To those who are really well versed in all this, I’d appreciate your kind advice yeah! =)

Love life wise, I’m stuck. Following my previous post I had people asking me about who that mysterious lady was, and all sorts of questions entailed.

For those who may know- good for you- for your ears only. For those who don’t know, great- cos I’m praying about it (struggling would be a better word). It pains me cos I do miss her (much more today), and I’m trying to balance waiting on the Lord, and just doing what my gut feeling tells me. Ugh. I’m stuck between telling her how I really feel about her, and being sensitive to her feelings lest I distract her.

So how?

I’ll end of this post with this ambiguous note.

Tatas.

revisitations of fraserlogy

I AM BACK.

I see tons of cobwebs, lizard droppings and dust in here. The air smells musty, its certainly time to open the windows and open up.

I'm here again cos so many things have happened recently and it'll be a good idea for me to be able to pen it down, digest it and see my life in better perspective. Perhaps I wont be so influenced by my own mindset after all..

For one I have been relatively busy. Work's getting challenging (not that it's a bad thing) and as you get older there are certain things you want to achieve- a stable career, maturity in thought and behavior, experiencing love, and growth in skill sets.

Yes, I am a typical adult who would like to experience all these. Not that these are on the top of my list right now, but certainly goals in my life somewhere, somehow. As I grow older I increasingly see the need to contribute to the family (support Mom and ensure that Leon grows up well) and to society ( in the work I produce, and in blessing the lives of others) and my self development (taking up new challenges, pursuing self development in terms of education and spiritual awareness)

Sounds like a mouthful eh? For one, I have decided to postpone my audio engineering studies on a final note. I'd be pursuing a course of study (mass communications and marketing communications perhaps) which is more relevant to my short term needs and instrumental in the development of my career. (this helps me to contribute to what is more important)

They say life begins at forty. Perhaps that will be the age my kids might be ten, and I'll tell them that I am taking a hiatus from work and spend three years doing something I really like, while making a living out of it.

For two, I feel that my heartstrings have been tugged. I do feel the urge to get to know a nice lady really well, invest in a relationship, and love each other till the end of time. Well, but that's just a feeling. Call it delayed puberty or what you may want.

The past few weeks have seen me so exhausted that I just wanna plonk down on bed or even sleep as early as 8pm on certain days. Tsk Tsk. People who call be a bundle of energy haven't really seen the times where I just want to do nothing but SLEEP =/. Every Monday is a challenge- especially when I am the nocturnal kind who can't sleep early. Heh.

And yes, finally, the church renovations have almost come to a completion, and with that comes the fun of assimilate into the new systems. I've been literally waking up at 6.30am on Sundays to make sure that I have my breakfast then go to church early (to assist the sound teams with the new systems, to answer questions, and what not)

God has certainly opened my eyes to many many things, steadfastness, wisdom, and maturity being the more significant lessons. I still grapple with situations when I feel misunderstood, more so when people can't "seem" to grasp my heartbeat. I'll let God deal with me with regard to this issue.

God has been gently prodding me to release forgiveness and total surrender in the areas of my family. So many things have happened of late ( with regard to my estranged father) and these have, on many occasions tested my limited wisdom, patience and grace to an immense level. God, help me with this.

Even as I'm praying for directions, God seems to be speaking to me clearly about certain things He wants fixed- my commitment to knowing and applying His Word, for one. While it's really going to be a challenge "dying to self and enthroning God in our lives", as quoted by SH and advocated by so many others, I will make the conscious effort to do so.

Mark my words, O God, and help me!

Till then.

just me,
Fraser

the awakening of....

As I end off this Sunday, I feel miraculously peaceful and still...despite almost having been in church the whole day. Discussions, mic cables, mics in pockets and red masking tapes have become common items synonymous with Fraser. To top if off, I just ended a session doing sound for an external congregation.

Praise to be God. There were no hiccups during the session at all! The program was astonishingly smooth, even on my end. This is despite the fact that I did not realise that they were into the actual program...until 30 minutes later. I drove stuff till red lamps were flashing, but things were sure really under control.

God seems to be really telling me something.

For once, I appreciate our church's 16 year old mixer. Cranky as it may be, I really do feel its a great piece of equipment that can be smooth sounding.

The greatest highlight of today was God's peace. Things went wrong for the 1st half of the day, but God helped me in remaining calm and collected all the way. I surprised even myself by packing up with a smile and yes, making new friends with ease.

If its of encouragement, it really makes a difference when you commit unto God your cares. But I have been outrageously guilty of not doing that.

This comes after my previous posts which reflected the mess I've gotten myself into. A close brother suggested that we'd feel all sorts being distant from our Maker. How true. I was in a complete mess that week.

Speaking of which, I'd really like to thank CUZ for having such a great heart and love for those around him. What a tangible representation of God. Firm and convicting, yet gentle enough to look beyond the surface and emphatise. Thank God for blessing me with you in my life.

And for the countless people who've stuck around, shown concern and administered God's love, I really appreciate you all! =)

To sum it all up, the pain, anger, hurt and bitterness remains. But I guess I now have the courage to stand strong, deal with them one at a time and move on because of God. Zai succintly sums it up when he remarked that as believers, we have the privilage of having a Divine being of whom we can pour our cares and sorrows unto.

'nuff said. my nose is screaming for tissue.

*winks*

Always,

noed resarf

:X

What a day..

I realised how old I really am..after feeling so extremely exhausted after walking from the MRT station to office today. Then again, I do realise that I am not exactly in the pink of health, and I feel pretty good to have completed the walk under the hot sun.

So much for saving energy. I thought I'd go without my cranky airconditioner last nite and sleep. Alas, my blissful sleep was somehow interrupted by the need to switch on the aircon in the middle of the night as it was EXTREMELY muggy in my room.

It sure helped me enter sleep better but I was coughing non stop because of the dry air. So much for the need for cool and humid air. Thats despite the fact that its set to 25 degrees!

I have a cranky aircon that takes FOREVER to cool and freezes when it decides to (normally about 3AM in the morning). The sleep mode is useless as it switches the fan speed to low and I dont really get much air movement with that speed.

Oh well oh well. Its time to invert...I'm grappling with sleepiness, grouchiness and a very bad migraine.

Signing off...

angster

Dear God..

I'm writing this at the point when I'm on the verge of breaking down...again.

Why do all these happen? When I make a stand to offer my life to be used by You, something always happens. I'm tested to a point where I don't think I can stand it anymore. I hate myself for being fragile and shaky.

Indeed, the enemy knows what matters to me most. I've been tested in ways unimaginable. every statement is an accusation, every turn down a rejection. People seem to have offended me to a great deal lately.

At times I do wonder if all these "evils" are pulling me further away.

If you would Lord keep me from evil. I seriously doubt I can take it any longer..

When I almost cried myself to sleep last night and cried out to you in prayer, I heard you asking me if I would just trust You. The worrisome thing is that I could not even reply. Letting go has become so difficult. There is so much rage and anger in me...letting go has not become an option anymore.

My mom told me gently last evening that I had become too withdrawn, and that I should start spending time with family and others instead of always cooping up. Point is, I tried to share but to no avail. No one seems to want to listen.

Even God seems so far at times...an alien being in this huge universe, a remote being. Though a fraction of me tells me that I have every reason to run back to Him.

Why can I relate to the song Step Back so much? Indeed, I do feel the desire to quietly go away...and not live amidst all these anymore.

I dread returning to 11.30am, seeing that same face that really drives me up the wall, sends me off in a spasm to control myself from punching the wall. I dread going back cos it is so difficult to deal with.

Thanks Blogger for listening quietly. Its been a long time and hard time bottling up all these...and I'm glad that I was able to do it in a peaceful manner.

God, I do wonder what are your thoughts on this. Perhaps if You've read my blog..but then again I suppose You already know how I am feeling.

I hate myself for being so fragile.

Words...

Sigh. I can think of two incidences within the past 24 hours where people made remarks that hurt me rather deeply..

To a certain extent, I wish they would have been more sensitive and tried to put themselves into the shoes of the other party..

In any case, I do try to think of all the nice things that they've done for me, and its easier to release the neg feelings. In any case, its a timely reminder for myself to watch what I say to others, too.

Words can break.

P.S. Get good contractors to fix your air conditioners, don't be too critical when it comes to price. Service quality counts!

randomathic

Oops. Its been some time since I last posted here. As usual, everything is revolving at breakneck speed, but its been a great time all the same.

So much has happened since what has last happened; and God's grace is amazingly evident throughout this period of time. I had many people voicing their concern about my previous posts. I thank you for your concern and I'd like to assure you that things have been very sorted out =) Like I told a close pal, I needed the space to indulge in some form of expression, and this blog has served its purpose hard and well.

I remember sitting in church one Sunday, with a million thoughts crossing my mind as my pastor preached on God's message. The call for us was to be effective tools and ministers of God in our marketplace (i.e. workplace). As such, we were going through a series of studies that would prepare us in our aim to be a worthy messenger.

As I was listening, I was reflecting and constantly asking myself how I could just do that. In a business world where most people would fall into the trap of underhand means just to secure deals and earn quick bucks, it seems a necessary evil to practice secular measures to ensure survival. I remember the days as a management student, where I read that the biggest objective of any business entity as "profit making". How then, could we strike a balance between ethical practices and practical measures?

Let me qualify. Im blessed to work with a group of God loving, God fearing people. I must say that this is not an uphill struggle as far as I am concerned. Still, I felt God's prompting for a change...

And so it was a pleasant surprise to have my towkay mention on a Monday morning about the introduction of devotional studies during work. In fact, he had called me on the very same Sunday after my service to hear from me. God works in amazing ways!

I often feel like Im living as a defeated believer. Of late, a simple dinner resulted in an accident that saw me losing my cool and blowing up at a stall owner. Apparently, the slow me had already finished two bowls of rice and my herbal soup. My mom, who had ordered way before me, was still waiting for her food.

No excuses, but this was why I was so mad...

1) My mom was extremely hungry
2) The stall owner was extremely rude in his dealings and at no occasion offered any apology.

So I blew and cursed them silly. Needless to say, I got a scolding from my mom as well. As I reflected, I realised that there was this strong sense of injustice and hatred in me. At times, I do feel that the feelings are so intense that I imagined myself doing the unthinkable.

So that is just me. I have a strong tendency against injustice and unfairness. It freaks me out to think that I could be capable of harboring such intense levels of hated and dislike for some.

Leon puts it rightly when he quotes :"If you hate someone, you have already committed murder in your heart."

I still think I need help....while I can still deal with such incidences in my life without going berserk. And then again its amazing how God has blessed me with so many people who have partnered me in my journey to become a better person.

And yes, the Chinese medicine I have been taking knocks me out on time and puts a full stop to my gastric pains for the time being. All the bitter medicine and the increase in the fold lines on my face is well worth it! Thanksssss SCKW =)

And no, my aircond is still NOT OK. Thats another incident that really challenged me, but Im thankful for the ability to stay calm and resolve the issue in an appropriate manner.

Adieu. Please do not work till you drop --> Read TNP yet?

arigato

A big Thank You goes out to all of you who have put things into perspective these days and in your own way, journeyed with me in a personal manner...I am truly appreciative and I thank God for you.

Its been a few hours since I last received the news and I am feeling peaceful already.

=x

Lightning does strike the same place twice.

Just as I thought everything would be Ok and cool down, I was literally struck again...

I'm in a pretty messed up state right now, with yet another issue to grapple with. I just wonder if there's any end to it. God, is this your sign for me? Grant me your wisdom so that I may understand..

Right now, I will just accept the truth and be forward looking to see how I can address the issue. Right now, I can only be thankful for my colleagues who have really extended their tangible helping hand in times of this.

I need to be still and trust in Him..this is what I identify as a big stone that could cause me to stumble..

Perhaps things are going on like this for the sake of the "big picture"

God, if you will, please show and guide me along.

Please Help Me

A friend of mine once mentioned that he knew that "time was up" if he had to drag his feet to work everyday.

Although I am still far from "dragging" my feet to work...Lord, please please show me your will. Am I the misaligned one??

O God, wont you just say something or show me something so that your Will will be revealed to me...

I shall try to be still and know that You are God.

my weary soul.

I so didnt need that. Blogger asked me to migrate my old blogger account into a Google account. This just sums up a perfectly not so perfect day in my life. I am really tired (my eyes are closing) as I type this, but heck.

This is my personal blog. I think it is time I have to come clean with certain things I have felt in my heart. Its pointless keeping a blog if I cant even be honest with myself.

Work hasnt been good for me. I noticed that I've slipped into what Econs describes as the LDMR...the law of diminishing marginal returns. If I had ever hit the peak of my performance, that is.

I've been really troubled by my less then ideal performance at work weekly. I shall make no attempt to hide the fact that I havent been efficient. Worse still, Im a non efficient workaholic...I stay late or work during the weekends, yet remain counterproductive. Things have not been going smooth, and I do feel that fingers are pointing in my direction.

Am I really such a bad employee where I am now?

Its hard for me to really answer this question myself. My only saving grace is a boss who still believes in me ( I guess), and God who feels the anguish in my heart even as I type this.

I joined the company to challenge myself and to hone my talents, and hidden talents. Yet, part of me secretly craves for a job that's not desk bound, not 9-6. Part of me wants to slip into my jeans and tees, (I feel really more confident in that), and part of me really wants to just run around and pursuing my passion. Never mind the sunburn, the aching arms, and the sweat.

Yet again, I am thankful where I am. I see this an given opportunity, and another part of me feels that I have much to give to this company, and look back seeing how much we have grown and beat the odds. I want my boss to know that he has made the right choice...in taking a gamble and proving him right.

Yet I feel so discouraged. A lonely soul on the L4, -. A soul who's feeling detached and losing touch with the good old folks...a soul who feels insignificant. Nothing. At times, I miss the times where we were.

I cant be a hypocrite and try to smile through the changes as if I don't give a damn about the progresses.

Am I in the right place? In an organisation where them others are well versed in the right ways, I do feel left out. I dont participate in such related affairs since I dont know much. I feel overburdened. I feel attacked at times.

Screw me.

Im so lost and discouraged right now that I wanna cry and just drop everything. Yet, a part of me struggles knowing that there is a bigger picture. But how long and how can I hold on?

Those who are meant to read this will read this.

I have nothing to be cheerful about.

Underproductive

I feel so underproductive today...

It seems that I always have a problem doing proper work on Mondays...When will I ever learn how to sleep well on Sunday evenings so that I'd be efficient on Mondays?

I really had enough of this...Its frustrating that my brains wake up only in the evening and late night. If I stay up late to finish all my work, I'd probably wont have enough physical rest to report to work on time tomorrow..

And if I try to sleep by 11pm, my brain literally yells at me to be doing something else, to be waking up and refusing to let me sleep.

Looks like I've reached the end of the road now..I really need a fix for this. Wont you just help me, O Lord?

I want to well rested and productive in all I do. I want to kill that eyerings that now lie under my eyes. I dont want to behave like a zombie on the train I take to work...

I shall try anyway.

God help me!

Heh

Thats too many posts for a day. Blogging overspill.

experience_sound

I've officially unveiled my 1st hifi blog.

Visit it at http://experiencesound.blogspot.com/

For all you sound lovers out there, be sure to input your comments so that I can learn from you all as well! :)

08042007

I realised that Singaporeans are, in general, nice people after all.

As opposed to news articles of seemingly inconsiderate individuals who refuse to give up their seats to those who needed them more, it was a real sweet feeling to experience two incidents that was indeed heartwarming.

Two individuals gave up their seats to an elderly gentlemen and a physically challenged lady in the same journey. There was no hesitation- the smile and expression of gratitude of the elderly folks was akin to a megawatt bulb.

Why am I bringing this up? I think we had enough of concentrating on the unpleasant things around us. This incident has shown that there are still people who are selfless. Their attitudes are indeed laudable.

Blame me for being an optimist, but I do feel that it is only when you focus on the positive that you can be at peace with yourself.How can you ever be happy if your thoughts are filled with negative notions?

You cant be nice to anyone if your thoughts are always of the negative and hawkish nature.I choose to focus on the good things and remind myself that this world still has some credibility to it.

Geez, this is such perfect irony for a self professed worrier like myself.

I had a whale of a time catching up with my boss on a lovely Saturday noon. We met for lunch and shopping thereafter (for the office, please). It amazes and inspires me how much my effort my boss invests in the development of those working with him (me included). We had a great time chatting about the exciting plans ahead, and wiring up the office. The place looks real sweet now.

I wonder how God saw it fit that I deserve such divine love, that manifests itself through my job, those I work with, and my lovely bunch of friends, and my family. Indeed I am blessed!

Now thats what the Bible means when it says : "Count your Blessings!"

A good day

It is a good day today.

For some unexplained reason, I do feel happy today despite the crazy sunshine, besides the fact that my good old gastric friend has decided to come back to me. I guess it must be the joy of the Lord that's working in me!

For the first time in my life, I chipped in for the family expenses. It isnt a big amount, but I do feel that its a good habit to start with. But on the other hand, it just means that I'd probably be turning more of the aircon these days. Heh.

I just had a chat with Sir Fergurson recently about some hifi stuff. He then asked me to consider starting a hifi blog. I was a little taken aback then, as it wasnt the first time that someone asked me to consider starting a blog of that nature.

Well, given my limited knowledge of such stuff, I do hope that the blog will serve as a venue for people to exchange ideas and knowledge. No, I do not have a fantastic sounding system yet!

Here it is. experiencesound.blogspot.com. But hang on first, there are no posts up for the time being. As time comes, I hope to move on from a blog to a forum.

Sir Ferguson, you've certainly rekindled that old love once more. Pal, do yourself a favor and pick up this month's copy of What Hifi!

On another hand, Good Friday is nearing the corner, and I wish all of my readers a blessed Good Friday..may the Love of God touch your heart.

2nd April 2007

Its been such a looong time since I last posted anything up here. Its almost shocking to look back on this page and realise that it was,once upon a time, an adobe where I would religiously invest time and effort in.

Well, then again, maybe not.

Three amazing months have passed. In case you're wondering, my light is finally up and in good working order..no more mini explosions in my room. Its better having a light that lights up the room. Just enough light for my feet to walk on, I guess.

Speaking of which, I am tempted to draw a biblical line between the room light and God's light in my life. Just as I stumbled and tripped over furniture, or even felt awkward without the presence of light, the past few months have shown me how more important it is to be living in the Light of God.

Of late, I've been blessed with many helpful souls in the office. That said, we've finally expanded (all glory be to God) and I am truly blessed to be with a company (noticed I said with, not working for) that is truly full of talented people, many of which are superstars in their own right. I am glad to have been able to work with each and every one of them, and to have learnt more abt myself.

Shan is brimming with energy. Its amazing how she can upkeep the lively atmosphere, and that chases the bad blues away. Qixiang is a talent in the making, and an absolutely great pal to yak with. Weizheng is a focused and determined lady, and Im glad that she remains positive in spite of what happened. Joane is frank, yet displays the attitude to learn and never fails to lend a helping hand.

God certainly has, on several occasions, taught me how important it is for me to lean on His strength and providence for my daily life. The perpetually non-stop me overworked on my own confines and yeah..suffered quite a bad burn out lately. I literally cried unto Him, and His mercy and grace was evident.

Even as I was sharing my testimony yesterday, I could see how beautifully God has made things. I was late, but early enough to get some stuff that the PA team needed. I was late,but the item came just as it was needed.I was late, but I waltzed in minutes before my 5 minutes of air time.

Then of course, I totally ditched my script and spoke from my heart. Who needs a script when its the truth you are telling? I felt truly blessed as I looked out at the sea of people seated before me. The countenance on their faces told me that I was making sense.

To God be the glory! I've seen how much my life has been transformed.

Of which, Im intending to start a hifi blog. I dont know alot, but then again, thats what learning is for, isnt it?

t i r e d

The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want. May this very verse bless and sustain you for the year of 2007.

I'm typing this with a really really exhausted body..and I bet my gastric isn't going to let go of me that easily!

*sighs*