angster

Dear God..

I'm writing this at the point when I'm on the verge of breaking down...again.

Why do all these happen? When I make a stand to offer my life to be used by You, something always happens. I'm tested to a point where I don't think I can stand it anymore. I hate myself for being fragile and shaky.

Indeed, the enemy knows what matters to me most. I've been tested in ways unimaginable. every statement is an accusation, every turn down a rejection. People seem to have offended me to a great deal lately.

At times I do wonder if all these "evils" are pulling me further away.

If you would Lord keep me from evil. I seriously doubt I can take it any longer..

When I almost cried myself to sleep last night and cried out to you in prayer, I heard you asking me if I would just trust You. The worrisome thing is that I could not even reply. Letting go has become so difficult. There is so much rage and anger in me...letting go has not become an option anymore.

My mom told me gently last evening that I had become too withdrawn, and that I should start spending time with family and others instead of always cooping up. Point is, I tried to share but to no avail. No one seems to want to listen.

Even God seems so far at times...an alien being in this huge universe, a remote being. Though a fraction of me tells me that I have every reason to run back to Him.

Why can I relate to the song Step Back so much? Indeed, I do feel the desire to quietly go away...and not live amidst all these anymore.

I dread returning to 11.30am, seeing that same face that really drives me up the wall, sends me off in a spasm to control myself from punching the wall. I dread going back cos it is so difficult to deal with.

Thanks Blogger for listening quietly. Its been a long time and hard time bottling up all these...and I'm glad that I was able to do it in a peaceful manner.

God, I do wonder what are your thoughts on this. Perhaps if You've read my blog..but then again I suppose You already know how I am feeling.

I hate myself for being so fragile.