its the 6th of april

and so this date marks the beginning of yet another work week.

Sunday night was the first time in years I knocked out early, and really fell asleep within seconds of hitting the bed. Truth is, I haven't had this kind of feeling for a very long time, and I'm glad to have woken up on a monday morning feeling refreshed, albeit reluctantly so!

That wouldn't have been a surprise considering how I spent my weekends:

Sat morning: Reccee for my church's YA retreat

Sat evening: YA BBQ! 

Sun morning: the usual sunday service, but with an added twist as part of the worship band that needed to come early.

There were two ongoing rehearsals after the service on Sunday, and I am so grateful to Arthur for taking over to facilitate the rehearsal for the skit to be performed on Good Friday, and to Andy and Candy for staying back and accompanying me for the rehearsal that lasted till 6pm. Thankfully I had friday to rest, and with this being a short week, I'm sure it won't be that difficult to manage. (:

I wasn't in the best of mood on Saturday, but the BBQ really perked up my spirits. I guess you could call it the highlight of the day! Kudos to Christine, Sarah, Samuel, Daniel and Shirley for their selfless efforts in organising this event. Our satisfaction is evident through the smile on our faces:

 

and thats me with a very bad hair day, and that explains the cap:

On a separate note, I just learnt that my dad has lost (or rather, experienced a loss) his hearing- and what can help him are hearing aids. In his brief letter to us yesterday, he also mentioned the potential loss of his job this year.

I'm lost for words right now. After almost a decade of him out of our lives and after picking up the pieces and moving on with my life, I'm not even sure how I should react to this. I'm not sure how I would react if I met him somewhere. I do, to a certain extent, feel sorry for him. But as much as I do, I know that its all in the hands of God- and in control.

me,

fraser

there is always more to it than meets the eye...

(that's all of us at our third and most successful group shot for the night. And no, my eyes are not THAT small =p )

Ok I confess. Planning surprise birthday bashes is certainly not my area of expertise, or profession.

The brief was simple: to stage a surprise party for W and S. W is not supposed to know about the party at all. S knows of the party to be for W only. She does not know that we have a surprise in store for her, too!

It was pure madness right from the start. W spotted S, and spotted J and D soon after. That's like three out of the six "committee members". How splendid.

We had a really fun time hiding from W and his girlfriend, who happened to be part of the committee as well. To think that we had to spy at them across the street! The best part was that W innocently suggested a change of place to eat dinner. So, poor S (having been spotted by W earlier) had to queue up for a table for seven at Ichiban's. That's no easy feat and the poor lady stood in line for close to an hour! ):

Out of sheer desperation we had to attend to our hungry tummies by then, and fortunately, were able to get the couple down to where we were to present the surprise. It was at this moment that S realised that we haven't forgotten her at all (:

What a crazy night! Happy birthday, folks.

eardrops

Thank God for ear drops, especially those that work.

Out of sheer desperation to end my pain and misery, I invested in a small bottle of magic solutions that claims to "soften ear waxes for easy removal". Complete with an ingenious drip that makes the recommended dosage of ten drops possible, it's indeed an unassuming package, with absolutely nothing to hint of the wonders it could have done for me.

For one I wasn't even certain that it would help- I was just taking this gamble on the pure assumption that it was something in the ear I had to clear, and not any underlying ear problem that I needed to seek medical help for.

And so I applied the ear drops, obediently stayed in position for five minutes as instructed, and resumed normal position in 6 minutes.

All the solution came out. Not what I've been wanting to clear, but the ten drops of liquid I placed in my ear. Thinking that it would need time to work, I tried to go to sleep.

It didn't work. Blame it on recurring insomnia problems or what, I just could get to sleep-it was a night of turning and tossing. At 2am, I had enough. I woke up, and applied another ten drops of the said solution in my ear.

At 3.30am it occurred to me that I could have been causing myself more harm by exceeding the dosage. Although there was no mention of any possible harm caused by overuse, I did recall seeing something about the product having a certain degree of side effect. And worse, the solution didn't come out when I flipped my head around this time round.

I am so in trouble, or so I thought. The incessant pain and crackling sounds in my ear made it impossible for me to sleep. I remember fervently praying and asking the Lord for mercy and not to take my hearing away. And throughout the entire sleepless night I was snapping my fingers to make sure I could still hear ):

And for those who're wondering why I am so sleepy today, you'd have a better idea now.

Fast forward to 8am and I drag my reluctant frame out of the bed, grab the ear digger and aim for that obstruction in the depths of my ear canal. You can imagine how relieved I was when I excavated tons of rubbish from that ear canal of mine. And almost instantly my hearing on the left ear was restored!

What remains to be fixed is the right ear, and I'm so looking forward to see to it the moment I get home. I'm certain I can go underwater with confidence now.

(: noed resarf

 

earth day, and then much more

Last saturday marked Earth Hour in Singapore. 

And as any law abiding citizen would have done, my entire family decided to participate in this global activity by turning off the lights for an hour. 

It was unfortunate, though, that I decided to have my shower at 8.35pm. Not wanting to spoil this occasion, I fulfilled my daily activity  without the lights on. And this was the only thing that was illuminated in the shower. I couldn't have turned it off, even if I wanted to.

It feels disorienting not being able to hear the clatter of my otherwise noisy keyboard as I pen this entry. Having taken the day off, I wasted no time in hitting the pool in the morning (believe me, that was my first quiet time spent by the pool), and later on, with Adrian and Samuel in the evening. The garang me decided to go really deep into the pool. Yes, I managed to sink to the bottom of the pool, but not before the pool water entered both my ears in rapid succession. Blame it on the buildup of the yucky stuff or what, I don't know. It will lead to an ear infection for sure, but I pray that it heals in time for Saturday!

I should try the tea that CH bought for me on Sunday-it was a pleasant surprise-that kind Godly brother had seen it fit to suggest that I try Green Tea with apple extracts to cure my recent bout of headache attacks. I'm really touched and surprised! CH, I owe you one. (:

This morning, Ben Oh shared some interesting insights about an educational path as offered by private institutions, and for that I am grateful. Most people, in my opinion, would be quick to shun private schools. But Ben advised otherwise, and I must admit that I never considered things from that perspective before. In my quiet time, I sincerely committed the whole plan to God, asking for strength and obedience to make the right, Godly choice. Co-incidental or not, I received an email from MDIS inviting me for their open day. I had a similar conversation with a concerned auntie today- and I am glad that I am not in this journey on my own.

This week's unbelievably crazy with the upcoming worship practice, reccee sessions, and the YA BBQ coming up. But boy, I am excited. And there's every reason to!

oh beloved mixwizard

Oh mixwizard,

I could come up with, in a spur of the moment, ten reasons why you'd be the perfect addition to our humble gatherings at Level Three.

1. First and foremost, you belong here. You fit right into the space allocated for your kind. And you leave us space to place my monitoring headphones by the side.

2. Next up, you meet all our needs. I didnt have to hook up another mixer to accomoate the rest of the inputs. Sweet.

3. You take your job seriously, and your elder sibling has proven its prowress- limitless bandwidth, clear mixes, which translates into great sound! I can't imagine how much better you will sound.

4. Try as I may, I could never coax you into producing any form of feedback at all. 

5. Your sweepable midrange allows me to boost as low as 35hz. That means I can now boost 45hz (for bass and the kick drums) and 50hz for the piano. Did I ever mention that you were always able to do them so well?

6. Despite your dimunitive dimensions, you're about the only lean machine that allows us to do grouping- a rarity in mixers of your class. Thanks to you, we can ride the band and vocal sections seperately.

7. You've a wealth of outputs- perfect for our setup that needs to cater for the needs of the cry room, the adjoining halls, and even the basement.

8. You've individual phantom powers for every channel- perfect because we dont have the luxury of many active DI boxes. Now, we're sending current to the right stuff, and sparing the vocalists from a shock should their lips decide to kiss the mic. Ewww...

9. You're simple - I'm sure the rest of the folks warmed up to you pretty quickly. 

10. You're sorely missed by us all! We were all waiting for you to come back- but alas, you were already in the loving hands of someone else. Never had I had so many questions about you, in the likes of "Can we trade in our existing system for the loan set we have now? It sounds so much better!" 

Unfortunately, you're elusive. You don't come cheap. At $2,500 thats just part of the equation, we'd need another sum of investment for a proper, healthy mate (power amplifier) that will bring out only the best, and keep you singing in the right tune.

So, pray tell, can you drop from heaven into our loving hands?

good riddance

and so I received a very frantic call from my mom this evening, claiming that someone from my uniform group had called her and informed her about my non attendance at the recent recall. Having got the name and the number from her, I wasted no time in getting in touch with the division.

It appeared that I was "uncontactable". This is close to impossible, especially when I had updated them of my new number the moment it was changed, and confirmed the new number at the recent reporting excercise. One would wonder how they could find me uncontactable. I've been receiving calls and messages from others but them. Good riddance.

In any case I am SO paying them a visit on Friday to have this matter settled once and for all, and to present the medical certificate for, co-icidentally enough, the day the recall took place. As Adrian puts it, its certainly a blessing in disguise. I won't have wanted to return there when it is raining, not when Im having a hellofa headache.

Im gonna meet a client tomorrow to wrap up a project that's been dragging for months. I won't take delight in elaborating here, but I'm really praying and hoping that God will see this project through (aka no more nonsense or whatsoever) from the client anymore. It could be totally worse if not for the understanding , and loads of help from my boss and those I'm working with in this project.

In the meantime I'm so in need of help for scores- will some kind soul who has scoresheet for Don Moen's songs please stand up?

Till then,

noed resarf

the return of the prodigal writer

for those of you who thought that this blog was deserted for good, I forgive you. Who's gonna think otherwise when the latest entry was in Jan 2009? Its really been some time.

Perhaps I should stick to the winning formula of writing short and sweet posts consistently as opposed to the oh-so-long entries that I never fail to pen. (especially the comeback posts) But then again there is so much to share here...

and I shall start off with the recent night cycling trip I had! We started about 9pm and ended at 6.30am the next day. I came down with flu on the very same day, but miraculously that wasn't enough to stop me from having fun.

Here's me taken along the route to Fengshan for bak chor mee! And the green in my bag pocket isnt a water bottle.

Next up, here's all of us at the Changi boardwalk, on our way to Changi village for our second supper stop!As you can see all of us look quite fresh. This wasnt certainly what we were looking at after the end of it...but the time of fellowship was priceless. Then again I'm greatly blessed to have these bunch of buddies, and many more not captured here!



If there was anything personal I gained from this trip, it had to be the stress relief that the immense amount of cycling provided. It wouldnt take a genius to figure that I'm mentally, physcially and emotionally stretched as we speak.

The past few months have firmed my decision to further my studies and I've set my eyes on a mass communications course, through the polytechnics. Fact is, I applied way too late- only in end Feb when the closing date was on Jan 16th! So it would mean that I will have to try again next year, or pursue a faster route through MDIS.

MDIS, being a private school evokes waves of concern within me, and for one, the recognition of the certifications. I would be hesitant to embark myself on a course of study that won't bring me anywhere, especially when Civil Service is concerned. However, this seems like the only open door now, and I'm praying hard and seeking a confirmation if this should be the direction I should be taking.

I'll be joining the ranks of the unemployed in end May 2009. Having decided to pursue my education, I tendered my resignation yesterday. It wasnt an easy process though- and I was contemplating tearing the letter on a couple of occasions. Its not easy to do such a thing when your boss is a dear friend of yours, and what needs to be done has to be done. These weren't exactly easy to bear...emotions isnt something I deal with very well, and I was already feeling sore from all the rejections that I had faced earlier though.

If anything, Im grateful for all the concern, timely advice, support and encouragement offered to me from all around- they contain useful perspective and opinions that helped in making better decisions. Worth of special mention is my dear mom, who pledged her full (financial and emotional support) for me. She's been a great listener and advisor in these few months...way to go, mom!

And this ends my super long post for now! Finally.

2009

Okay, so this is my long overdue first post for the year 2009. For those of you who were waiting, holding on to, expecting, and anticipating updates to this little space: thanks for holding on. Here we go again...

I had originally intended to update my blog after I returned from Australia last year, but as they say, you need a holiday to recover from your holiday. Yeps, it being Australia, was way much colder, taking into consideration that it rained close to seven days out of the nine days we were there. Still, I’m sure my lungs never felt better with that fresh air I revelled in while in there. More about that in a separate post, perhaps.

I shall begin this post proper by sharing some resolutions for this year. So keep me in check alright? I won’t really mind if you hit me with a sledgehammer if I fail to work on these resolutions...

1. To work on my temper. Fine, I’m not exactly that explosive, and in the words of many people, I’ve toned down a lot in the last few years. Maybe it’s the age factor that prevents you from your explosive instincts. I’d say it’s the grace of God.
I just want to stop feeling irritated at what certain people can do, like hog the right lane of the escalators when the train is coming, (trust me, I wish I had a stone and a catapult in hand) behave in manners in which you see no logic to, like cutting queues, or making excessive noise, and in that make a spectacle of themselves. Irritation breeds anger, and this is what I have the rest of this year (and perhaps my lifetime) to work on.

2. To be more careful with my spending. You would have realised that I used the term “more careful”. In all honesty I don’t see myself as a compulsive or impulsive shopper, but I could certainly work on being prudent (read: less cab rides, less indulgence on CDs and magazines, and things I can do without). My family has plans to relocate, and I do want to be able to help my mom with the finances. To furnish a bedroom would set us back by a grand already!

3. To love somebody. I’ll be frank. I’m jealous of my attached friends, and it both encourages and discourages me when people wonder aloud why I am not attached yet. To think I can be perceived as “qualified” and “eligible” but not there yet.
Nonetheless, I am not going to get attached for the sake of losing my singlehood. I want to be in a relationship because I want to learn to give, and to love another romantically. That was my birthday wish last year, and it would be a major bonus if I could be blessed with the realisation of this wish, this year.
Psst. Works in progress, yeah!

4. To learn and play a musical instrument. With the arrival of a musically inclined brother and with the blessings of God, my house is, over the past four years, progressively transforming into the likes Swee Lee Music. Throw in a keyboard (the Korg PA-50 perhaps?), an electrical guitar, and a drum set, plus the people, and we’d have a full band already. My mom aims for a house with “that extra room” for my brother and I to transform into a music room or something. Thanks mom =). With all these incentives coming my way (and to really challenge myself) it’s hard not to be tempted!
In particular, I pray for the ability to master the bass guitar- and be able to serve back in church. As a pledge, I’ve just invested in a guide book for that four stringed instrument yesterday. Music lovers and gurus, please be patient with me!
Okay, so you’ve heard from me with regard to my four resolutions. I’ve an inkling there are more... oh yes there is just one more!

5. To run a marathon this year. 10k, 21k, 42k. The distance doesn’t matter, it’s just something I’ve wanted to do so badly not as a means of self gratification, but once again, to test my limits. And to those of you, who think that this quest is going to be dovey easy for me, think again. I’ve just recovered well enough from a leg injury and I might just end up crawling, not running to the finish line.

Any interested buddies?

On top of this five- there’s so much I want to do this year, including going back to school, a year end trip to the States, being a more efficient worker at work, and that much coveted pass for my IPPT test.

Come 2009, I do hope I’ll be a better person for the sake of myself, and those around me. So partner me as I grow and mature. In the meantime- thanks for being a blessing- and have a sizzling year ahead!

What makes your dream house?

I'm sure many of us have had plans, ideas and fantasies for our homes of now, and of the future. We'd want a certain theme, setting, mood and feel for it. We'd probably spend lots of time, effort (and even money) to source for, and find the best for our homes. We'd paint it up with our favorite colors and spice it up with little quirky items here and there.

I'm on this note since we're looking forward to moving out of this house and into a new one, and I am certainly excited. And of course, I've begun looking around for the theme I would like for my new home. 

I was of the opinion that beautiful home would make the occupants happy, and bring a family closer together, until yesterday. It was a cool Saturday as I made my way to a couple's house for a time of sharing.

It was my first time to their house, so I was naturally excited to appreciate and experience the way families would normally do up their homes- and I thought it would be able to provide me with some pointers and ideas for the planning of my new place.

I went home that day with a drastically altered perception, yet with an enlightened heart. This couple in concern didn't have the most spectacular place to call home. The perfectionist streak in me could go on and list what would have, and could have been done but I shall not. They weren't living lavish lives, yet were comfortable, contented, and full of love. This was evident in their interactions with one another, their body language, and in everything they did.

It brings me to recall the times I snapped at my family members because I felt that they refused to help me in cleaning the place (I'm a clean freak), or didnt exercise any effort in keeping the place as clean as possible(I'm a clean freak) or my poor brother who bears the brunt of my frustration when he isnt tidy enough for my liking (I'm a neat freak). All these had accumulated much frustration within me and added much un-needed tension within all of us at home. And I thought I was doing all these so that a clean house will bring us happiness, time together, and not to mention, healthier noses.

Not that it didn't, but I guess my approach was far from ideal.

I tried to stay away from cleaning up today, but ended up doing some minor housekeeping, but with a heart of love instead. Lo, my mood was much lighter and I was certainly taking everything on a lighter note.

The brief for my new house? Easy to maintain, so its less of a hassle for all of us! I'll so miss my idea of an art-gallery based home for sure. But the tradeoff is worth it, as long I as I don't suffer from a heart attack again.

as the dawn of weekend approaches...

Today is A Friday. Hooray! I made it to provide an update within two days of my previous entry.

Before I forget, let me shout out a birthday wish to Ben (13^th) and Alan (14^th).

I’m sitting in my mom’s office entering this post after a spending half a day helping her to run her school concert. Finally after days of preparation, sweat and much stress, everything fell into place by the grace of God. True, there’s much room for improvement, but I do feel that everybody involved put in their best for today. There was marked improvement exhibited by every performing group. And these are primary school kids who have invested much time and effort into putting up a grand show for today!

The major bonus is of course, to be able to forge new friendship, and bonds with those I worked with for this project. Naturally speaking my brother Leon was part of this project too. My mom sure activated all the resources that she had!

After having hung around a school environment for days, I’ve realised I do miss my school days: The days of innocence, where everything begun and ended with the signalling of a bell, and we went gaga over simple things like the Pilot pen, erasers of every country we would buy (not to use, but to play with) and the talks of hanging out at the nearest shopping centre after school. Then, Thomson Shopping Centre and Junction 8 were the coolest places in our little world.

Then as we grew up, we learnt more about friendship, politics, fell in and out with ourselves, and learnt to be more careful with choices. We learnt about relationships I still can’t believe I had my first experience at Primary 5. Predictably, it didn’t last. We chose to end the relationship because, uhm, we ended up in different secondary schools. Right.

The most memorable relationship I had was in Sec 2. I tried so hard to chase this girl, got her at last (with a little help from my friends of course) and then broke up over some silly issue. We fought and quarrelled a lot, but we knew that this relationship was one to remember with sweetness. Almost ten years later, we’re still in contact. I dare say we’ve really made our marks on one another.

Ah, puppy love.

I feel really old to be turning another year older in a couple of days. It really rocks knowing that you can’t even earn yourself a green note for change when you tender red notes.

As I approach this magical age I’m looking forward to be blessed with a partner. Not for the sake of status, but one that I can grow and mature with, and experience things together. Above all Id like to know what it is really like to love somebody.

Funny post? Yep, attribute that to a really tired me. But hey, I mean every word I say here!

“Attention, its time to dance” 

midweek ramblings

Time flies. It’s midweek already! And I’ve missed the Tuesday deadline which keeps me in line with my goal of updating this place every two weeks.

It’s a sweltering Wednesday as I pen this. So much for telling Meida that the weather’s turning for the better- it decided to prove itself otherwise. The searing morning heat, although uncomfortable, was a welcome change for the sake of the laundry just hung up the night before!

Notwithstanding the weather of 18-22degrees in Hong Kong sounds like something I could look forward to. For the sake of the bills and environmental concerns, I shall not attempt to replicate that kind of temperature in my office.

I am pleased to announce that there are ZERO casualties from my gardening attempt-not bad, considering that 8 pots were changed, along with the soil and what not. Perhaps four days is too short a period of time. Those gardening pundits might agree.

On another note, the camera I’ve always wanted to buy, the Panasonic FX38, is now more affordable to me at $480. That’s a lot closer to the $400 I’ve set aside so far as compared to the original retail price of $549! That said I might need my mom’s help in chipping in for the mini tripod and extra battery pack (:

I’m glad to have finally expressed my frustrations over the PA ministry in church to the head honcho who has always been very patient and supportive, while keeping me in check. Once, I thought things were not going to move, but finally, the wheels are grinding. Boy, I am glad! Prayer moves mountains.

Monday morning’s storm proved to be a disaster: I left for work early and ended up soaking wet and dripping. Seriously, it was flooding all over Ang Mo Kio! Every sheltered walkway, a supposed blessing, ended up as wading pools that many disgruntled residents like me had to deal with.

And then there was this bird brained driver who cut into the sheltered walkway as I was crossing halfway. AND because she stopped right smack in the middle, blocking the way, I just looked at her. She just waved an apology, and that’s it!

So, I had to step out of the shelter and get myself very wet in the process. Mind you, she wasn’t waiting for anybody, and I thought that she should have reversed a little, and come in later. She was depriving us (the pedestrians) the use of the shelter, for in my opinion, her selfish little convenience.

I was close to asking her if she would bother to send me to the MRT station since I was already soaking wet. All she could offer was another feeble wave of apology. What an imbecile.

At that point I swore to myself that I’d never be that idiotic as that woman. Later I was on the train, furious, wet and angry. I was asking myself if there was anything to be thankful for, and somehow I managed to come up with this feeble list.

1. My train gets me out of the rain
2. I could have slipped and fell with all the water around, but I didn’t
3. Despite my encounter with the bird brained driver I still boarded the train in one piece.
4. The crazy storm didn’t stop the train from getting me to work anyway.

And so I was momentarily consoled till I alighted. And there, again, was a heavy storm for me to counter. I swear I was really soaking as I was nearing the office. Then some taxi driver decided that my morning shower wasn’t enough, apparently. And I got even wetter, from crown to feet!

Another learning point: I’d be dammed if I sped on a rainy day and got some pedestrian soaking wet because of my lack of consideration. Ugh.

And for some major reliefs: I am thankful that my leave on Thursday and Friday is approved so that I can help my mother with her graduation concert and prize giving ceremony. The last I heard, the recent rehearsal had tons of room for improvement.

So that’s my major consolation for the week, besides the fact that we met up with two nice clients over the two days, which helped in chasing the overcast clouds away. And with that, I end my midweek entry!

 

 

 

 

 

10 days away...

An eventful Saturday and a refreshing Sunday service later, (not to mention an equally blissful nap as well), I'm listening to the tunes of Beauty & The Beast being played on the piano as I type this. Leon (my brother) is playing the song for his school recital and has been working extremely hard on the piece. I'm almost hearing the fluidity in the piece as he nears the corner of perfection in playing this beautiful piece.

Finally, after three working days, I've gotten my phone back after having it checked in for service. I must say its time to get used to this phone again- I was missing the small buttons, the decent in-built camera, and the authorative audio quality for some time! When Leon checked in his phone for repair a month ago, it took three weeks to repair. (Well, he's not complaining cos they replaced the entire phone!)

I'm almost itching away as I type this. I spent the Saturday afternoon cleaning up, and decided to work on the garden since all my plants were outgrowing their pots, and uhm, obviously not growing anymore. One change led to another in rapid sucession, and I ended up changing at least 8 pots,including the soil, potting mix, and supports for the plants. As expected, I was jumped upon my spiders, bitten by wierdest stuff in inconvenient locations, while adding more strain to my already not-functioning-so-well left leg. It took four hours-but it was worth it! My garden looks much better now. Note: its a garden and not a jungle.

One incident that really tickled me was my neighbour's shocked reaction to the creepers I had tried to grow outside my window ledge. I didnt invest in poles of any sorts, so they were left dangling haphazardly over the ledges.

Kelvin walked over, greeted me, took a glance at my creepers, and asked incredulously: "What's that?!"

I got the hint. I cut it off shortly. It was indeed something to do away with; not growing well and certainly not working wonders for the aesthetics of the garden. My mom had a good laugh: she had been wanting to tell me to cut them off as well!

I wonder how many times my Maker had to apply the same treatment on me, taking care of me in various way, changing my pot when I grew, making sure that the soil wasnt muddy, infested by wierd stuff or bad in any way so I could grow even more, or perhaps feeling sad when I chose not to grow, or worse, even wither away. I thank God for not having my patience (read: no patience) and for having tended to each of us so selflessly and tirelessly.

Like how I hope my plants will flourish and grow after the investment of time and effort, I'm sure God is hoping and awaiting the same for me.

Geez. God works in wonderful ways. He can even make use of this seemingly mundane activity to teach, and impress upon me certain things.

And with that, I end my Sunday post.

Traffic Lights

So here I am again within two days of my previous post, as part as my efforts to keep this blog as alive as possible, and to spare myself the process of having to summarise everything like what I did in my last post. (to my own surprise, actually)

Friday nights are supposed to be light and happy. Not today. I fell ill on Monday, was coughing through the week, and dragged my heavy bag and aching body back from work today.

Not that it was a bad day at work, though. I just decided to rest well since I'd be needed for worship practice tomorrow. After dinner, a little housework and an enjoyable time with my brother Leon, I sit here ready to end my day after this post.

Why the post title? I feel that once again, God seems to be beaming His red traffic light in front of me. By that, He is once more asking me to entrust all of my cares unto Him.

Goodnight.

That's quite a lot, actually. I've been so caught up in planning for this and that, being worried for the wrong reasons and causing much damage to myself when I had an easier option- to submit all these in prayer.

God, like my driving instructor, seems to have pulled up the emergency handbrake, drawing me to a screeching stop, and prompting me to cast my cares upon Him.

How foolish I've been indeed. Little wonder why I'm burnt out and frustrated just about everything.

Lord, if there's one thing that I ask for today, that would be the FAITH to depend on You and commit everything I am doing, or undergoing, into hands. Amen.

I'm still very much alive, thanks.

It must have been light years since I’ve last visited this little online adobe myself, let alone make efforts to post anything on it. And for those who have been nudging me to update this blog, here’s a little reward for your patience!

Stumbling through the cobwebs, droppings and stale air, I throw the windows open, flinch at the amount of sunlight coming through and begin my entry.

As I pen this, I bemoan the fact that I’m turning 26 this month, still single and making my way up that proverbial shelf on the wall, and not getting more handsome...NAH….Godliness with content is great gain!

So much has happened in the past few months that it’s almost impossible for me to list them in chronological order. For the sake of your sanity, I shall demarcate, and shed light on the more significant ones.

a. Love Life.

The last I shared, there was this sister in Christ I was praying for. I’m glad I’ve finally made known my feelings to her, and though it was tough accepting the fact that we could not be together, I delight in the fact that we did not wreck our already close friendship, and I will still love her as a dear sister.

It wasn’t easy. I remember the night I learnt that she was exploring another path with another gentleman. I remembered - the wallpaper on her laptop were obvious tell tale signs. I almost cried.

But it’s fine now, that I’ve gotten over the hurt and rejection. I’m enjoying my singlehood as of now, and waiting upon the Lord. In the meantime, I’m actually actively seeking the Lord. My heartstrings have been tugged once again.

A shout out to all those who have expressed their care and concern: I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

b. Walk with God

The Lord has used this incident to encourage me, and prod me in the direction seeking Him actively-even as I was hurting over this. He has, in many ways, brought me in broken-ness and hurt before Him, allowing me to experience His inconceivable, gracious love. For that I’m thankful.

It’s been a positive experience spending quality time with Him and I look forward to growing and maturing. Its all easier said than done, though. The battles of the men (outer, and spirit man) are strong, and my strong reaction to “injustice” gets in the way of me responding in a biblical manner to the many struggles I face.

I can only look to Him for faith, courage and assurance as I press on.

c. Ministry Life.

I’ve have had the pleasure of meeting several nice folks in the course of serving in the PA ministry as a wedding and event technician at church. Several of these acquaintances have become friends, and one couple has even introduced me to rock climbing (thanks guys, I’ll see you in three months!) and I’m thankful for these friends and family in Christ that God has placed into my life.

At times I feel burdened, worn out and tired. It’s can be a challenge availing yourself for rehearsals, events and being involved in other activities where humanly speaking, the time could have been better spent on sleeping, and other affairs you may have to attend to. Yet I’m always reminded that this is a God given gift- and if need be, I should endeavour to bless with what He has so graciously provided me with.

God takes care of this aspect too. It brings a smile to my face when I recall that the bus to church always appears in no time (when I am on duty), and He sends people to send me home (when I make the effort to facilitate rehearsals and stuff) and for an understanding family who doesn’t moan about my often disappearances from home.

Enough of the rosy part. I feel extremely challenged working with people who, in my opinion, lack initiative, responsibility and urgency. I am, on many occasions, tempted to ask them to “wake up their ideas” and “get their act together” when they fail to notice things. Mind you, this is an I/C I’m referring to. I’ve always held on to the opinion that I/C’s should set a good example.

I’m frustrated because all these negative feedbacks come to me (and I’ve long passed the baton, mind you) and not to the I/C. My guess is that they’ve tried, but it has all come back to them void. So, they’ve reverted to telling me.

And since this is my personal blog, I spare no qualms in telling you that I feel exactly like the ex Prime Minister of a certain country, who is probably regretting passing on the baton to his successor. I alternate between wanting to throw my hands up in the air, and giving the person concerned a piece of my mind.

Enough is enough!

d. Work Life

Let me begin this post by thanking God for S and P, my great bosses, colleagues and family in Christ, who have offered their ears, sane advice and helping hands in time of need.

There comes a point of time when you feel stagnant, un-needed and thoroughly unmotivated. Then, you start wondering if you should move. You get held back my emotions and uncertainty, and then your work performance suffers. You keep asking yourself why you’re in this place yadda yadda.

That was me.

If I did not have bosses who possess great faith in me, I would have joined the ranks of the ever increasing population of unemployed individuals as I type this. But I’m not. They understood my concerns, fears and struggles and were very gracious with me.

I was presented with an open door (an events company) and decided to pay the chaps to have a feel and learn more. I went with an open heart, and decided that this was pretty much a closed door for me. If I had to make a choice, I choose to grow this company with S and P, no matter which division I end up in. Enough said.

The road ahead is exciting and I can only look forward in anticipation. Then again, I feel God’s prompting for me to rise up- and fulfill His purpose in where He has placed me, and in contributing to our corporate vision of growing His Kingdom!

Other personal affairs; the final point.

e. Sporting activities

I’m missing climbing for some time (3 months actually) because of a long term injury that was awakened recently. Its pretty humbling not being able to walk as briskly as I used to without experiencing sharp pains in my leg, and I now am able to empathize with other individuals who get shooed out of the way by impatient folks like me. So much for rushing into getting back into action! I’ve actually caused more damage to my already busted leg. =(

I went back to the walls yesterday to return a loaned harness to a friend, and was sour having to walk away without giving a shot at the walls. It was a terrible feeling.

Randy and Desiree, if you’re reading this, I won’t be able to have fun defying gravity with you for some time. Let me heal and I’ll see yer there in three months max!

On the other hand, cycling and running don’t seem to invoke much pain and damage (as far as I’ve observed) so I shall be catching up on these activities in the interim.

f. Year end plans.

Leon’s musical performance is slated to take place on the 23rd Nov. A few days away from us turning older, and I hope I can be there to catch his performance.

My mom’s school performance is really round the corner, and while I’m a little stressed, I’m looking forward to making this an event a memorable one, and an opportunity to lay my hands on her new sound system! =)

December beckons, and so draws near my much anticipated trip to Melbourne. My cousin’s getting married and I’m looking forward to be part of this chapter of her life albeit in a different setting altogether. This should serve as the perfect wrap up for 2008, and a perfect time for my family to bond and catch up with old friends residing down under.

And so, wraps up another long post from noed resarf. Guten tag!

looking forward...

As I pen this entry my hands are certainly shivering no more, but its the upper torso that's aching away and that little open wound on my elbow that's causing me much sleepless nights (not being able to sleep in my fav position, where the breeze from my fan caresses my face). I guess the old adage is true. No pain no gain! Pain aside, I'm certainly feeling more energized, and somewhat healthier.

I've come to realise that there is so much to look forward to in the next few months. For one, my boss has shared with us his heartbeat for the next financial year, and the vision he has for us. His energy is infectious- I'm both grateful for, and motivated by his sharing.

The PA ministry is growing well, and I foresee more growth and developments coming our way. Praise God for all He has been doing for the ministry thus far, and all that He will be doing. I pray that He will continue to transform our lives even as we serve in worship.

There's always the church retreat to look forward to. God knows I don't really fancy ferry rides, but I am confident it will be a good time to relax and to recharge! I'm really looking forward to it..

And most importantly, there's this very special person I've been waiting and praying for. In the right time, may the Lord help me be bold! And, special folks have returned from overseas too and I'm so looking forward to catching up with them.

Moving forward requires changes. I realise that I haven't been the most dilligent or efficient worker at my workplace- far from what I can be. It remains my prayer that I may really honor Col 3:23 to bless the organisation and honor God with my work ethics.

I'd like to thank the brothers who have been sharing their lives with me. I've have had the joy of being able to share their concerns and journey with them through this period of time. Guys, keep in touch with God and lean on His wisdom and understanding. And to a special couple ACCA who have shared their concerns with me, I'll remember you in thoughts and prayers! For that special sister who just started work, know that the Lord is faithful and He creates and sustains with wisdom.

My divine petitions go out for you, and you, and you.

The climb of faith

My hands are shivering as I'm typing this entry. No, it isn't the freezing temperatures in the office, but by the virtue that I've not excercised for a long time! (and just did so yesterday)

On this note I'd like to share that I've taken up rock climbing just-for-the-fun-of-it. I'm nowhere near professional, and that will have to wait till later. It all started when I did PA for this nice chap's wedding, who subsequently invited me up the pirate's ship. Having done reasonably well for the first session, I was sold.

I guess that's less reason for me to whine about my lack of bulk and light weight. So that I can spend less effort hauling myself upwards? If that's the case, thank God for my relatively lanky frame, too.

Being up almost four to five metres is a pretty refreshing experience, till you realise all that's holding you is a rope, in the hands of a belayer (that's the person who holds your rope down there, and pulls in your rope slack as you advance upwards, then releases the rope bit by bit when you've reached the peak).

I never realised I could place my life in the complete hands of another stranger, (not that Jacob's one, but I havent known him long enough then) but that reminded me about my faith in the Lord, to be my solid Rock (what I hold on to on the feaure wall) and my dependable Belayer.

Over time, I've placed more trust in my belayers as I advance up more difficult walls. I took a couple of near falls when I slipped off the walls yesterday, but thanks to my trustable pals, I was not harmed other than my heart missing a beat or two.

Which convicts me of my lack of faith in God sometimes, which is very much a recurring issue and something I have to work on. Its not that easy to remember that God is ever there and ever dependable no matter what hits the fan.

As a novice belayer- it rocks to know that people are entrusting their lives on you. Someday, I hope to really be able to trust God with mine- without any doubts.

For the record, rock climbing is fun!

peace out,
fraser

it was supposed to be...

It was supposed to be a happy day today.

I remember how we celebrated our birthdays. We’d have lovely cakes, family gatherings, and a simple meal then.

I’d remember the excitement and the special attention we’d shower on one another to make each other feel special. I remember, with a smile, how I insisted on going to Lau Pa Sat to celebrate your birthday- you agreed although Lau Pa Sat was the hardest place to park your car in back then.

Today is your birthday. I wonder how it must have been like to celebrate your birthday for the past eight years, without the usual faces and usual practices. Are you having fun?

I feel a tinge of regret, yet detect a faint trace of mockery in myself as I pen this entry. Are you happy where you are now? Did the second step of faith lift you up, only to send you tumbling down greater depths? Do you ever regret and reminisce, I wonder.

I don't feel good remembering your birthday and not doing anything about it.

You came into my life and you left, leaving in us too much emotional entanglements and bitterness. I’ve moved on, I’ve stopped hating, and I still remember you once in a while.

Happy birthday Dad. God bless.

Bleeding.

My heart bleeds for you. It aches for you, yearns for you, and overwhelms for you to the extent where I can continue no more.

Try as I might I dare not reveal myself. Will this be a slippery slope down to insanity? What ifs. So much doubts fill my mind, cloud my vision. What ifs.

The possible repercussions fill my mind. Like a playwright I rehearse the scenes over and over in my mind. Ending A? Cut. Ending B? Cut. 

The final act is over. The lights are dimmed, and I take a bow. The curtains come down.

I must be objective, I tell myself. Let's do it the right way. Let's not rush into things. Let's take it step by step, I hear myself say.

Yet none of these help to suppress the overflowing emotions within me, nor give me a clear direction. I feel like a fool babbling away into nothingness.

O the times I spent thinking about it, pondering, thinking. The times I prayed about it, and felt peace. Then again...my heart's crippled by the veins I keep on closing.

i is puzzled.

Dearest all,

I hope this note finds you well.

The abovementioned sentence has been such a part of my life for the past almost-2-years-to-be that I find myself using this line in church, private emails, messages and even hand-written notes.

Before I forget, blessed birthday to wwxd! God bless loads =)

It just occured to me that I’ve been with DC Samuel for almost two years. That, to me, was almost an impossible feat. (With 6 months the maximum duration I’d stay for any job) All this has changed drastically since I joined this team. (上贼船了) For once, I’ve experienced the goody old feeling that sense of ownership and belonging to an organisation! Thank God for His provision and blessing in every area.

Additionally, my smokin’ HP desktop at home decided to transmit its parting note via the means of a burnt 1GB RAM module, and simulating a temple like environment in my room on Friday night with the smoke and smells. Thankfully, it has been given a new lease of life by Mr and Mrs Ng, who have kindly blessed me with replacement parts. Count my blessings indeed- this was something much unexpected and something I am really grateful for.

What’s left is probably a decent casing and a stable power supply. To those who are really well versed in all this, I’d appreciate your kind advice yeah! =)

Love life wise, I’m stuck. Following my previous post I had people asking me about who that mysterious lady was, and all sorts of questions entailed.

For those who may know- good for you- for your ears only. For those who don’t know, great- cos I’m praying about it (struggling would be a better word). It pains me cos I do miss her (much more today), and I’m trying to balance waiting on the Lord, and just doing what my gut feeling tells me. Ugh. I’m stuck between telling her how I really feel about her, and being sensitive to her feelings lest I distract her.

So how?

I’ll end of this post with this ambiguous note.

Tatas.

revisitations of fraserlogy

I AM BACK.

I see tons of cobwebs, lizard droppings and dust in here. The air smells musty, its certainly time to open the windows and open up.

I'm here again cos so many things have happened recently and it'll be a good idea for me to be able to pen it down, digest it and see my life in better perspective. Perhaps I wont be so influenced by my own mindset after all..

For one I have been relatively busy. Work's getting challenging (not that it's a bad thing) and as you get older there are certain things you want to achieve- a stable career, maturity in thought and behavior, experiencing love, and growth in skill sets.

Yes, I am a typical adult who would like to experience all these. Not that these are on the top of my list right now, but certainly goals in my life somewhere, somehow. As I grow older I increasingly see the need to contribute to the family (support Mom and ensure that Leon grows up well) and to society ( in the work I produce, and in blessing the lives of others) and my self development (taking up new challenges, pursuing self development in terms of education and spiritual awareness)

Sounds like a mouthful eh? For one, I have decided to postpone my audio engineering studies on a final note. I'd be pursuing a course of study (mass communications and marketing communications perhaps) which is more relevant to my short term needs and instrumental in the development of my career. (this helps me to contribute to what is more important)

They say life begins at forty. Perhaps that will be the age my kids might be ten, and I'll tell them that I am taking a hiatus from work and spend three years doing something I really like, while making a living out of it.

For two, I feel that my heartstrings have been tugged. I do feel the urge to get to know a nice lady really well, invest in a relationship, and love each other till the end of time. Well, but that's just a feeling. Call it delayed puberty or what you may want.

The past few weeks have seen me so exhausted that I just wanna plonk down on bed or even sleep as early as 8pm on certain days. Tsk Tsk. People who call be a bundle of energy haven't really seen the times where I just want to do nothing but SLEEP =/. Every Monday is a challenge- especially when I am the nocturnal kind who can't sleep early. Heh.

And yes, finally, the church renovations have almost come to a completion, and with that comes the fun of assimilate into the new systems. I've been literally waking up at 6.30am on Sundays to make sure that I have my breakfast then go to church early (to assist the sound teams with the new systems, to answer questions, and what not)

God has certainly opened my eyes to many many things, steadfastness, wisdom, and maturity being the more significant lessons. I still grapple with situations when I feel misunderstood, more so when people can't "seem" to grasp my heartbeat. I'll let God deal with me with regard to this issue.

God has been gently prodding me to release forgiveness and total surrender in the areas of my family. So many things have happened of late ( with regard to my estranged father) and these have, on many occasions tested my limited wisdom, patience and grace to an immense level. God, help me with this.

Even as I'm praying for directions, God seems to be speaking to me clearly about certain things He wants fixed- my commitment to knowing and applying His Word, for one. While it's really going to be a challenge "dying to self and enthroning God in our lives", as quoted by SH and advocated by so many others, I will make the conscious effort to do so.

Mark my words, O God, and help me!

Till then.

just me,
Fraser