undecidedly weary.

Nice.

The event poster. Indeed, its a time for praise and thanksgiving, no matter how rotten your life may seem to be.



Yet another toy to my collection, courtesy of Shang. Some of you might have heard that I really want to own a Bose system and drive a Benz :) Well, part of the equation is complete, although I am still persuading the Bose system to emerge out of hibernation mode .

48 hours after Christmas, I must say that I'm still really tired out from having spent over 30 hrs in church over Saturday, Sunday and Monday setting up for, rehearsing, and mixing for the entire Christmas project for my church.

I dare say I've carried more stuff in all my ministry years put together in three days. A team of four from the sound team laid cables, placed the speakers in place, and were literally on their toes the entire day to make sure that the event ran well. Oh well, the joys of serving in this ministry indeed.

Nonetheless, I was glad that the opportunity really opened my eyes. Its wonderful to see how we, from different giftings and walks of life, have come together to present our best for the Lord. I was glad to have worked with ZhiZhen, Chai Heng, Esther, Han Wei and Jeffrey, who, in my opinion, are indeed promising musical talents!Man...I wished I could be like them at times.
And there were so many others from the Chinese congregation, like George and Joseph, who I'd never have the chance to know if I was not involved.

On another hand, I got to play with Bose speakers and a Mackie mixer. Its opened my world up and I'm glad to be able to lay my hands on such stuff!

As usual, I received my fair share of trials, criticism and frustrations while serving for this event. I guess its give and take. Working with others allowed me to have a clearer idea of their expectations and working styles, and it has certainly helped me in deciding if we should work together in the future. Hush on that.

It gets to me at times indeed. I kind of made a resolution that I would not serve in the PA ministry for any of the big events for the next year. I just felt a need for me to step back and find time to sit with my cell members, with the members of the congregation, and not get overly involved. But like what thend and earthdust and stardust II says, I often fail to listen to my own advice.

Oh well. Physician, heal thyself?

Having a chat with Armstrong last night was really an encouragement. James delivered a very powerful rendition of the song "I'm amazed" for two shows in a row, and I must say that I am indeed amazed by how God uses each and every one of us in ways we never thought possible. In my moments of despair and weariness, God sent this brother to minister to me and I am indeed thankful.

I'm also thankful to my usual gang for tirelessly administering God's love and grace, as well as lending a good ear when I really felt like shooting some people straight on their feet.

Indeed God is amazing. The reality and majesty of God just wants to make me contemplate my life, to continually check my heart, and motives. What would I want Him to say, and think of me, when I eventually stand in front of Him?

To me, that is the questions that I will live with.

As 2006 draws to an end, may 2007 be a year full of purpose and development for each and every one of us.

Blessed Christmas and new year!

the passing of 2006.

It’s a couple of days before Christmas… I don’t feel the Christmas mood. I don’t revel in shopping. Not really. I don’t hang up stockings all over my place and expect Santa to come fill em up. I dont.

I woke up this morning with a backache. I was trying to wonder what I did that could have caused the backache. and I remembered. I was doing a hand wash for my new shirt.

And that causes me a backache? I think I should question the first two digits of my IC number.

This year has been extremely trying in all sorts of ways. Work. Relationships. Plans for the future, and even my spiritual life. As mentioned, 2006 was indeed a rough year. I can almost say that my faith was really tested this year.

2006 was also a year of soul searching, a time of questioning myself and my motives, and what I wanted to do. Wait, is it what I want to do, or what I want to do for the Lord? To be frank, I really wanted to leave the PA and VOX ministry because I felt that at certain times, that my heart was not in the right place.

Of late, I’ve been pretty burdened with the topic of passion. I will not discount the fact that gifts and talents are given from God. What is questionable is how you manage your passion. Does it end up equating to a “me only” equation?

My worry is that our passion serves to fulfil our own interests, and that it becomes our little focal of worship and adoration.

Talking to L made me see how some of us in the same faith could be so damaging. I was pretty upset to learn of what L had gone through and experienced. It is indeed the last thing I would be expected to be asked given my situation. And yet, I was reminded of what good old Tim always advocated: good relationships amongst each of us.

L, if you're reading this, I hope it touches your heart and remember always that God is with you and will continue to hold you in His loving hands. As per your confession, His love for you knows no measure!

I seriously hope that I have been a good friend and brother to all I know. I hope I won’t end up being hypocritical, rigid and superficial, and worse still, having the wrong focus behind my intent.

Nevertheless, I’m thankful for all the mercy that God has shown in my most undeserving moments, and for the encouragement that I received and is still receiving when things were really too much for me to bear and I really considered bowing out for good. Love ya all.

Christmas means a lot to me this year. I received the ultimate gift of all, beyond the oohs and ahhs of my childhood days. I experienced a love so immeasurable and unconditional, of whom I had the privilege to befriend and count on. I received the gift of Christ.

Will you receive?

....

Just decided to buy myself some insurance today. For a small sum of money, I get insured for a pretty tidy sum. Should the Lord decide to call me back prematurely, I can leave with a little consolation that the sum can still help my mom and brother here and there. Of course, the best thing is for me to help out financially, in person. =)

Thanks M for spending so much time with me today and for having explained in detail the fundamentals of insurance policy. And I do realise the need to really start saving. As in REALLY SAVE. Do I want to end up being dependent in my later years? I hope not. At least I pray that I will still be able to stand on my own (yes without crutches and walking sticks, please) as well as financially.

Now that I've have had a clearer idea of how much I can potentially save per month, I'm really gonna take a hard look at what I have been spending on and cut down on what is unnecessary. On top of my mom, I'll have another "big brother" to watch out for me and keep me in check. Geez!

As my career (and pay ) grows, I'd want to take a look at my finances, and save, or give more. Tithing is one area I certainly need to look at. It's been a long time since I decently gave to the Lord and I'm thankful that He has been merciful and understanding thus far. Lord, help me to be a cheerful giver!

Work's been really exciting. Boss's very much excited and unveiling new and interesting plans. It's my confirmation soon, and while I am excited to be finally officially part of this family, I really pray for the Lord's blessing and directions to enable and empower me to be an asset to the company, yet still be a good son, brother, friend and...be able to spend quality time with those around me.

Sometimes I fear that I may not be good enough. Nonetheless, God has blessed me with a great boss and even wonderful colleagues who I can work with. Its amazing how comfortable I feel working with them now, considering the fact that this is my first job in this line. Well indeed, its all in His hands and all in his time.

Phil 2:13 says that it is God who works in us to will and act according to His good purposes. May that be fulfilled in me!

P.S : And for those of you who want to know more about insurance and financial planning, I'd be more than glad to refer you to this great guy I know. :)

Cheers.
noed resarf

Are we unkind people?

I succumbed to my temptation to eat KFC today, so there I was at the restaurant at 10:30, queuing up to place my orders.

Then I wondered why the queue was rather stagnant, and I saw this old gentlemen in the queue being extremely picky about the size of the chicken he was having; and even simple things like chilli packets etc etc.

Another counter was opened by another fresh faced teen, and she was, too, having this middle aged lady in the queue, who for some reason, refused to show her the staff pass when she needed to look at it one more time for verification purposes.

I mean, what is wrong with these people? Was there a need to be so picky and uncooperative? It disgusts me to think that there are such people around. We certainly need more graciousness towards one another.

I just find it repulsive when I hear service providers shrug their shoulders in resignation and say " What to do? The customer is always right". It just irks me. Why cant it be a little more beautiful? We pay for the service, but do remember that it is a fellow human who is providing the service, for Heaven's sake.

Still, I find it impressive that as young teens, Terence and Melissa managed to keep their cool and were friendly in the face of such people and remained professional. They even apologised although I am certain it was no fault of theirs. Mind you, this is KFC, not any hotel or boutique.I'd rate them ten out of ten for customer service.

Be realistic. Get real!

I wonder if this is God's revelation for me, to see my "blind spots". I must admit I'm not the patient sort, many have gotten a piece of me when they step on my tail. It certainly is a good scene to reflect upon. And I'm reminded as light and salt of the world, it is our responsibility to be ambassadors of Christ. I pray that God will allow me the opportunity to do so.

Be in the world, but not of it.

24 already?

I cant believe it ...I'm 24 already. But yet I am. Looking back at the years I've been through, its amazing how much has changed over the last ten years. At fourteen, I was rebellious, hated school, had a low self esteem...and was still trying to fit into my first cell group. Ten years down, I can only thank God for the transformation in my life. Yes, I still struggle with bad habits, and at times, let my mind wander beyond what is good, but God's guidance was ever present. I wonder how my mom, this pillar of strength, ever survived my turbulent teenage years. And now she's going through it once more with my brother...just that this time round I'll join her side and nag at my brother too! Poor Leon. Nah. Speaking of which, its really cool celebrating birthdays together. Leon's born 11 years and 1 day later. I've got a couple of spiritual siblings whose birthdays are so close to mine..and I can think of at least 7 folks who shared the same birthday as I do. I had a swell celebration on Sunday with my church mates...awww...so touching! What a blessing indeed. I met up with an old church pal of yesteryear..and my goodness. It took me 8 years to realise that we share almost the same chinese name. Same surname and second character. What a revelation! MarC, what a blessing you are. Thanks for opening up my spiritual eyes with your insight.

As we caught up over lunch, I really thank God for opening up our eyes to His truth and seeing to our spiritual growth, especially over the recent years. Its such an awesome thing, and I have yet to get over it!

I'm so relieved that I am finally sitting down here on a Saturday morning and typing this out. I've just finished one event today with the barely enough sleep I got last night. By God's grace, the event was, in my opinion, a success and I am amazed I can still stay awake despite my already flu and fatigue ridden body to be typing all this.

And once more I say, God is good.

In the midst of all the madness out there, I hope I can truly be able to be joyful and give thanks anytime, anywhere.

*Yawns*

awakening

Time flies. It’s been almost a month since I last posted anything in here. With the rate I am going, I may either have to spend more time here or close this blog down altogether! On that note, I do hope that I still can afford the time and energy needed to account for what has been happening in my life.

I’ve been through moments of what seems like a process of mind awakening. Of late, the sermons and sharing in church have awakened my spiritual mind and have started my bout of self examination. We were enlightened on the End Times through a series of sermons, and the severity of it really shook me. God is gracious, but would I be found worthy and deserving in his sight?

On further revelations, I wondered if I would succumb to the temptations of the world just to “survive, trade and exchange”, or if I was resolute enough to stand firm for my faith and run the race till the very end. A brother mentioned that he wanted to be around to witness the end. I’m not very sure if I want to.

The reason why I have been not updating this little space here can be attributed to my list of commitments. I may not be the busiest person around, but I do feel weary and tired. Thoughts of quitting went through my mind. I wanted to drop everything, I wanted to go Home early. I was really close to pulling out of VOX ministry and PA ministry too, until I heard last week’s sermon.

And then I realised the importance of committing my life unto the Lord. I was weary serving out of my limited and burdened heart. I suddenly felt as if I was shortchanging God. Rather than thanking God for His blessings and the favor He had blessed me with, I was grumpy while serving for the 5 consecutive weeks of services. I went with a willing heart, but allowed minor things to come my way.

There is really a need for me to deal with these issues and deal with my inadequacies. While praying on a fine Monday morning, I felt as if God was telling me this.

“Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Lean not on your own understanding, but by the grace of God.” What an affirmation indeed. In the midst of my prayers for others, God was ministering to me.

On another hand, my current Godsend job is yet another mind opening experience. Having been given the opportunity to try several things, I have come to realise more about myself. I have a clearer picture of my strengths and weaknesses, all thanks to my God given boss and colleagues. While audio engineering remains my forte and passion, I must say that I have discovered my flair for writing.

Being in this job has exposed me to simply more and more. Indeed, life is always a learning journey. Having come to see more of the society through my job, I can only say that I am awed by the experience and thankful for the doors that have been opened.

I’m prayerfully considering freelancing as a soundman for experience and portfolio’s sake. Unless the Lord leads, I doubt I will tie myself down to any more commitments.

Nonetheless, I believe all my experiences here have drawn me even closer to the people. To all the wonderful folks out there (you really know who you are!), thanks for always being a part of my life. The road may be long and narrow but we can be confident of our completion.

14102006

Today, as I was cleaning my house, I decided to move out the furniture from the laundry room to vac. Imagine my horror to find layer after layer of dust, lizard droppings and stains. I was sneezing non stop from the amount of dust and dirt...and quickly put to use the Electrolux.

Just as I was still reeling over the discovery, I realised that this was like the sins in my life.My laundry room is normally the pinnacle of cleanliness. Its only when you shift away the furnishings and look deep where you find all the dirt. Likewise, on the outside, I may look normal but I dare not boast of being sinless.

Just as I reeled back in horror and started sneezing, I realised how equally disgusted God must have felt, seeing all this impurities in His creation. Just as I decided to give the place a thorough clean, I pray that God will use His Electrolux on me too and cleanse me.

Amen

I still got a lot to learn
but at least, I know where I can turn
When I'm in times of need,
as I know all things are possible and,
just as long as I, believe.

The Unhurried Life

It feels great to attend church after an exciting week, to wind down a little and to get some spritual nourishment and to hear from the Lord himself. Today's message was on The unhurried life, and I felt as if the message was being preached just for me!

I was shocked to find that I could relate to four out of the six symptoms related to hurried individuals. True, I cursed my way through slow counters at food outlets or shopping centres, got extremely irritated with people who refused to stand on the left side of the escalator, and I'm really guilty of sounding my horn too much.

And yes, I do have the sunset fatigue syndrome. I'm always on turbocharged mode, and I'm extremely intolerant of people who cant process just as fast.

So what does that make me? I'm impatient, and I tend to look at people by my own unrealistic standards. I get pissed off with people who block my way and hinder my activities. And those close to me bear the brunt of my anger.

So unchristian like! I outta be struck.

Well, I've struggled with the same problem for ages. This sermon sounds like God's message to me, and I'd better be taking it seriously for my own good.

I'm gonna try meditation. Sounds scary, but I believe its not recommended for nothing. So if you see me being quiet, nah, I've not lost my marbles.

God help me!

its hot in herre.

noed resarf.

What motivates you?

Hey blog!

Long time no see.

Yeah yeah. It’s been such a nong nong time since I last updated my blog. I’m stealing time from my lunch hour to update this spot of mine.

There are so many things that happened recently. The night cycling that took place light years ago, the passing on of people, my two week break from work (they were spent mostly at the pool, I tell ya) and my new job.

I shall not handle the almost impossible task of blogging one month's worth of events on my blog, so ask me if you want to know more =)

I spent an agonizing two nights writing all those farewell cards to my colleges. I don’t believe in writing generic or standard farewell cards (they are so passe!), so I wrote personalized messages for each and every one of my ex colleagues. Now you know why it took two nights!

Nonetheless, seeing the smiles on their faces and the appreciation really made it all worthwhile. The crazy heat walking in from the main road during the midday was worth it, and I’m certainly glad I was able to bring some laughter and smiles into the place.

While I shall so seriously miss the environs of my previous call centre for its madness and turbocharged speed, I shall look back on the lessons I’ve learnt, and the fond memories I shall have with the colleagues I befriended. God be with you all!

I’m officially employed once more. I have the luxury of working alongside with one of my fellow SCDF mates, one of whom I respect for his passion for his business and for God. Things feel so different in here. My ears are spared from the abuse from callers, and I’m not doing the same old thing over and over again. This lovely den we’ve got is a far cry from my previous workplace. Now this place is really CLEAN! I mean it.

And the fact that we’re located at Mohd Sultan- once famous for its shophouse pubs- adds this sense of nostalgia and loveliness to it. Goodbye industrial estates.

Thank God for this job- it allows me to develop in a new area, and for once, I’m using my brains. Over here, we dream big, but we stop to listen, to review and to learn from one another. Nice.

Oh and I forgot to mention. I’m doing public relations and a little of editorial. Soon, I hope to venture into events management. Speaking of which, I was put in touch with this nice gentleman from an events management company that S.H. knew of (Thx bro!). Amazingly, he’s a sound engineer too. We had a nice chat and I am seriously exploring working with them on an ad hoc basis to expose myself to the industry. If God be willing, I will want to include events management as another portfolio of my existing company.

Will that happen? Well, I’ve got two events to handle till my birthday these year. You bet I’m excited.

To the new folks I'm working with who happens to chance upon this blog...tell ya what...I'm so looking forward to have a swell time with you all!

I’ll update the blog as and when I can, but here are some new pictures that I’ve taken of late..

My Desk!

My desk once more

Its not my office, but this what you can expect along Mohd Sultan

and a wallpaper I did for myself!

Ciaoz

Fraser

A tribute to Aunty E

About 5 days ago, a life was lost. This person happened the mother of a close buddy of mine, who stuck with me through my difficult times and put up with my less-than-rational behavior at times.

We had fights, quarrels and squabbles, but the friendship was strengthened and stood the test of time. I'm truly appreciative for this godsend.

The proceedings were so surreal. It was so dreamlike, yet going thru the final rites wasnt easy. As a bystander, I was constantly swept by waves of emotions for this lady, a life taken in one fell swoop so suddenly, so unfairly. Despite the fact that I constantly reminded myself to be strong and not to cry, I found myself crying hysterically when the coffin was eventually transported into the furnace.

I felt this raging sense of injustice, of a life prematurely taken away. I felt a personal sense of loss, knowing that I'd never get to see this lady again, shake her hand, or see the smile on her face. I felt the grief, a grief the fraction of my buddy and that of his dad, who were so distraught that they had to be supported.

The least I could do, I felt, was to devote a little section of this space of mine in rememberance of her.

###################################################################
Dearest Aunty E,

Thank you for being a part of my life. Though our period of acquaintance was brief, I respect you for who you are, the loving mother and strong person you are.

In the few occasions where we met, I sense the nice person you are, always with a smile, a warm countenance, even in times of affliction.

You have earned my deep respect for being a fighter and for your positive outlook in life. Even in your unexpected last days, your thoughts were for the family and on recovering. I trust that you are resting sound and well.

Do rest well, Aunty E. Never forgotten you will be, for you will always live in our hearts.

#################################################################

In life we regret. Would I want to be guilty of that? How many times I have taken my dear mother for granted. Besides the yearly flowers on V-day, cards on her birthday and passe-stuff, I have yet to hug her, and tell her how much I appreciated her for who she was and all she has done. Perhaps this were never enough. Had my mom been just yearning for me to show her how much I loved her?

I dont want to regret no more.

Uncle S, please be strong for M. Letting go is difficult, but time will erase the hurt and preserve the fond memories.

M, please be strong for your daddy. The road ahead is long, and we will strive to run the race and achieve the goal, cause our eyes are fixed on Jesus! Your mother was a strong woman, no doubt about that. She passed on as a warrior.

self check

I’m still reeling over the initial shock I’m going thru as I’m typing this entry (at work again). Having being brought down by a bad bout of gastric and incessant headaches since last week, I took some time off to recuperate on Friday and Saturday.

After not having worked for 3 days in a row, I felt somewhat disoriented and alien as I stepped into the office. My table was painstakingly neat as usual (thanks to Tim), but the mouse was oily. Eeks….

Back to which, I had some difficulties going back into full swing. I was rather slow and disengaged, but time warmed up my engine and I was back in shape in a couple of minutes. And so was my gastric and headaches…

I realize that I’ve probably taken more panadol pills in my stint here than anywhere else in the world. It just occurred to me that these may have been caused by the stress level (I just happen to have a low threshold for that). So, I may be guilty of complicating my own life after all.

For the close-to-desperate prayers, God seems to have answered. I’m found opportunities to explore in other areas, and I’m seriously contemplating moving on and leaving this job in the dust. Today, I just made known my intention to leave early, and the folks were pretty gracious so far. I’m feeling so much lighter already.

Yesterday, after much apprehension and hesitation, I did manage to “take a step of faith” and I did manage to approach one young chap for a survey. Its incredulous that after all the public speaking seminars and all the events I’ve hosted in school in the past…I actually didn’t even have the courage to approach a stranger in public?

What was holding me back? Was my heart selfish? Perhaps I’ve grown too cold. Perhaps I’ve lost the passion and urgency. I kept asking myself why.

Nevertheless, I’m thankful for God’s grace that carried me through and gave me the courage and the counsel to speak. I was really taken aback by how I even managed to do it in the first place. I’m also grateful to the team, esp. Daniel and Louis for their kind words and encouragement. Cheers!

I pretty much want to quit being so hard on myself… and start being myself. Easier said than done. Where do I begin?

A typical day in the life of fraserlogy

Typhoon Carrier strikes my desk

My lovely workstation...

...and the freezing clinmate

0110am: finally called it a day for 23/7. Freezing at 16 degrees, but I had to do it to combat my runny nose and my throbbing headache. Man, I feel one big fever coming up!

0710am: woke up to the sounds of my fav Indian ringtone over my phone. Woke up and rushed to implement some PC restrictions at home. Sorry Leon, but we have your interests at heart.

0800am: I’m late for work! Took a yellow top cab to work. The cab fare costs be $10.50, and yellow Cab hasn’t increased their rates yet. Had many close shaves along the way, what a prelude to this week!

0825am: Bumped into HP and Tim’s smiling faces at the lobby. My day seems to be so much brighter, suddenly! J

0830am: Read the farewell card that Melvin wrote for me…I’m really touched yet honoured.

0835am: Its been a long time since I last did this. but I prayed. and this huge sense of peace and assurance just transcended upon me. I handled my calls with grace and with the smoothness of silk…until…

11.10am: My lovely subscriber H called! She has been calling up with matters to resolve since early May 06. Oh man. She was really upset and screaming over the line. I managed to stay calm, thank goodness.

11.25am: After 103 calls, and nutcase after nutcase after nutcase, my head’s spinning, my throat’s sore and my nose hurts. I’m certainly not feeling well.

12.50pm: My gastric’s not being nice to me. Finally, after 168+19+7+94+43 (331) calls, the lines seemed to have dropped and I’m stealing time to update my entry.

1.10pm : I’m finally out for lunch…and I contemplate my thots along the way, to quit or not to quit? I make up my mind, and at

1.30pm: I called my agent to tell her that I’m looking for another job. Since the pay is gonna be the same, I’d be better off being somewhere I guess.

2.52pm: Tim excitedly passes me a call, from HQ SCDF. In a moment, I’m hearing the good old voice of my good old RSM. The world is small. And my gastric pains seem to have gone!

3.16pm: For once, this Chinese call is quick and painless. “Above All” is playing in the background, and I’m once more reminded of God’s sovereignty in our lives.

3.55pm: Time goes by…so slowly.

4.25pm: I get a kick…out of voicemail. 67 new messages! I’m rushing to retreeeeeive all of them. Stretched. That gastric thing in me is kicking up.

4.45pm: I get a call from my agent, saying that she’s got a job for me at AMK @$5.50per hour. Data admin and some cust care. Muahaha. TBC

5.33pm.: WOOHOO. The calls seem to have died down. just finished clearing all the auxiliary faxes that came in. I’m sitting down here and putting the pieces of my thoughts together. Now that Arthur is back, and I’ve taken a three-week break from thinking about the sound system revamp, its time to go into full swing again. After listening to the EAW speakers in St Andrew’s underground sanctuary, I wish we had the budget for Mackie’s S215 speakers ($1500 per piece). And the Celestion KR-8’s (heard at my mom’s church) sounds sweet and really intelligible. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

7.20pm: NO MORE CALLS! I’m finally clearing the backlog, with the familiar faces I saw at the lobby this morning: tim and hp J The temperature’s down to a cool 18plus degrees.

7.58pm: I’m rushing once more…to pack my bag and update this line, with disapproving looks from Tim and HP of course. Yet another mad day has ended! Praise God. A total of 627 calls!

fraserst.com

I just had to show this...I think its A M A Z I N G. This aint done by me, and I'd like to commend this gentleman for his effort and passion!

Times of refreshing

after a furious week at work, what better to wind down and indulge in a little photo taking session...and that was what i actually did!

Well, not really. I was at St Andrew's Cathedral for another purpose, but being plain old me, I decided to explore and capture the sights. St Andrew's has always been one of my favourite subjects of the eye; alongside with Chijmes and the Esplanade. Here's some pix randomly taken out of instinct, do pardon the ameteur in me! :)

Yup, they're all taken down with my phone, and I'm pretty surprised by how they turned out. To all my photo pro boys out there, I'd appreciate ya guidance & comments. Cheers!

19072006 x 2/2

Three months, 19 days into my job at this infamous call centre. Sitting here, I’m amazed that I can even find the time to type in this entry for my beloved blog!

Sitting here, feeling somehow relieved by last night’s movie session, yet drugged by the Panadol Extra I took this morning to combat my headache spells, I had this compelling urge to update my blog.

Of late, I have had questions of a similar nature directed at me; as to why I was so quiet blog wise, and why there were irregular or no updates on my blog at all. Truthfully, I’ve typed so much in the office, lodging cases and replying emails, that I’ve completely lost the desire to type in anything official when I’m sitting in front of my computer at home, other than chatting.

Someone asked me how my life had been. A simple question like that really set me thinking, and the reason was because I had no answer to that. Life wasn’t fantastic, but it wasn’t that exactly boring either. In fact, I felt that it was rather dangerous that I had developed this numbness and oblivion to things that were happening to me. Biblically it seems dangerous to feel such a way. Or was it that I was just being at peace?

My heart feels troubled somehow. Tim noticed that at work yesterday and expressed his concern. I shrugged it off as being tired and lethargic after a furious day at work. While I am relatively excited and happy that my services has been extended, and that my folks are entrusting upon me more responsibilities and work, I’m not exactly the happiest person around. I yearn to break out of this job line and venture into something like events management and audio, I find it hard to forsake the “job stability” and the familiarity of processes that I have picked up over the months.

Today was the worst. I had a bad case in the morning. I cursed, I swore. I felt like throwing in the towel and calling it quits. Still, I just couldn’t bear to make the move and just drop everything.

I worry, I fret. Audio engineering isn’t exactly the easiest course to excel in, nor is it considered one of the normal routes that anybody would take. While I really do want to pursue this gift and passion of mine, I hit into pillars of self doubt and worry as to whether I can support myself financially through school, work my way through and support my family, and most of all, achieve my ambition.

Am I guilty of complicating up my life? Am I setting unrealistic goals for myself?

As I struggle with all these worries and cares of the world, I hope that God’s mercy and grace will be with me, and walk with me through these turbulent days.

love your enemy

Love Your Enemies!

This has got to be the hardest commandment of the Bible I find hard to obey, even till today. Was talking to UG on the way back home and the Lord reminded me of my often less than ideal responses towards some people in particular.

God knows how many times I've failed to smile at people, but instead wrinkled my nose at the crying baby on the bus while the mother struggled helplessly. Oh, how many times I've just wished I had hands long enough to slap the person over the end of the line, or bite my tongue just to avoid sacarsm from my lips.

Its hard to love people at times. Am I being plain unemotional? I hope not. As a pretty emotional person myself, it is extremely easy for me to like someone or vice versa.

This has gotta be dangerous..this shortfall of mine may jolly turn into some curse and worse still, have negative effects on the people around me. Perhaps this boils down to the feelings of injustice and igdinance within me. Whatever it is, it is time to do something about it.

As the Lord reveals the area(s) in my life that I need to act upon, I pray that his guidance will see me through. Indeed, I have come to see this customer service job that I hold now as a journey towards transformation

love,
noed resarf

mmmmm

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Today...the day I returned to work. Initially, I was still feeling a lill sleepy and spent after the swim last night and the events that took place over the weekend, but God provided and I had a managable day at work :P For once, we managed to achieve a pretty decent quota and I was glad to have contributed to that.

The break really did wonders. I returned to work feeling refreshed and lighter, and everyone was welcoming in their own way..but they did comment on how red my eyes were and how tired I looked..hahaha.

Once more, my job scope has been changed, and I do hope its for the better. With so many things coming my way, I take it that my contract has been extended. Praise God!

Chill!

endless timeline

Ahh...the joys of a HUGE blower..for once, my cell group wont have to suffer the heat when they come over :)

Today's date is 3rd July 2006. Goodness gracious..its been a month since I last updated this blog! Time goes so fast without realising it. 3rd Quarter 2006 will arrive faster than I anticipated.

I'm penning down these thoughts after recuperating from my three day retreat session out of Singapore. Work has been certainly fast paced-I've find it hard even to update this spot on a regular basis. Once again, I earned myself a change in job scope and I find myself busier than before. OT seems more of a norm then ever, common were the days I'd reach home at 9-10pm before heading off to work early tomorrow.

I thank God for the growing friendship between Daniel, Melvin and the rest of the folks and myself. These guys keep me going, and through helping each other out in times of need, I see this interesting dimension of work that you'd never experience without friendship.

Almost three months have come and gone. While I am comtemplating to stay on to this job, yet considering other avenues to explore, one thing is for certain. By God's mercy and grace, I have managed to stay on to this job till the end of the contract. If you'd read my earlier posts, I prayed that God would help me to fulfill my current contract and beyond.

Over the last month, I've made mistakes, nearly gotten people into hot soup (including myself) and drifted in and out of plain boredom and excitement. On the day before my break, I encountered a really nasty person. While I was kinda upset with the way things turned out, I was initially more upset with how some folks reaction when they learnt of it..oh well *shrugs**

Planning for the retreat certainly helped to keep my mind off most negative thoughts of things I've ecountered at work. It was my first attempt serving in such an area, but i have had the honor of working with a marvellous team. Faced with the "unknown" factor (the campsite was new, and the reccee didnt help much, a certain degree of challenge and excitement formed. The big day was on Fri, and we only got the stuff on thursday. How last minute indeed!

God's provision was evident..there were the usual last minute technical errors (we couldnt borrow a mixer, and the laptop was out of the question coz the church PC died). I'm thankful that Adrian & Pst Henry went the extra mile to loan us their laptops. The campsite had a decent mixer (better than the one I intended to loan), and the campsite had provided much more than expected. Praise God!

Above all, the campers were selfless and helped us in many many ways...I'm truly appreciative and touched by that gesture. While I was constantly battling the horrendous monster of slumber, God pointed out several things to me:

1) As a result of the rejection I faced as a kid and even in my teenage years, I saw it fit to be competitive. I couldnt afford to lose out, and I set high standards for myself. As a result of my low esteem levels, I could have come across as critical and unaccomodating.

2) I was often losing out on the better part. I was like Martha, who was perpetually busy with preperations and stuff, unlike Mary, who chose the better part. (biblical reference)

3) I realised I was not the only person struggling with sins-I was fighting a spritual battle along with my spritual brothers and sisters.

4) God has blessed me with unshakable joy in serving in the PA ministry.

On the final night, where a deliverance session was held, I had the privilage of praying for and crying with my brothers in repentance. We shared, we talked. I discovered many many things about each other that I would have missed if I did not come for the retreat. A big thank you to all you who've been a great source of encouragement and inspiration!

As I end off my entry, I'd like to repent of my high handedness, my low esteem, my incapablilty of being joyful and of my sins. Mould me, use me Lord!

Shalom!

survived

I cant believe that I survived Saturday! The day I really dreaded has finally come and gone...haha.

We were expecting something big on Saturday, so we were called back to work, and work beyond our working hours (4pm?!). We did recieve many many calls, but all for the wrong reasons. Arrghh. In my opinion, I felt that something should have been done to remedy the existing situation.

But on another hand, working late on Saturday allowed me to clear almost all of the work that had been steadily piling up over the week. At last, the massive snowball has thawed into a harmless beachball. Away it goes!

In the midst of all the busyness and the mayhem over the huge amount of calls coming in, I was blessed to see us functioning as a wonderful team. Everyone went the extra mile to extend a helping hand to others. Its a wonderful feeling indeed. At last, the dark clouds above me seems to have cleared.

Nevertheless, I'm still holding on to my faith..to be kept safe in a crazy world.

Chills!

fras

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Thank you all for praying for me
today's much better as I journey
Thank you Lord for providing for me
Your assurance means tons of grace for me

In contrast, today was a relatively smooth and enjoyable day, despite the fact that I still failed to make it home before 9pm.

One of my collegue's last day was yesterday, and she was sweet to have written us a thank you note. It seems that I'd always be remembered as the funny and entertaining guy. Wahaha.

Its certainly good to hear that I'm still capable of bringing cheer to others. While the privilage is mine, I hope that I can continue to bless in this manner.

One verse from K that was a great reminder to start my day right: "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" Thess 5:16-18. A great reminder indeed. Thanks Kev bro!

Thank you all, who have prayed for me and have tolerated my ranting the night before, and a huge thanks to God who has been patient and faithful.

Amen.

Looking ahead??? hmm

Life's stressed is life's desserts. One of my pals quoted this in his blog and it caught my eye. This saying is not new to me but I fail to see how it can be associated with anything nice. Perhaps its all about perception.

Its been ten days since I last blogged. The last ten days were full of rush hours and bit by bit, I see my workload snowballing and turning into some huge snowball that will get the better of me sooner or later. What used to be a initially great job feels completely undesirable now. I used to think that I could be able to hold on to this job right up to the start of school in end Oct, but I seriously have other thoughts right now. I guess I'll just move on out of the job, out of that compartment in the office right after my contract expires.

I shall not bitch about my work here although deep in my heart, I wish that there was a way I could get back at some people on the other end of the line, like say something sacarstic and help them to realise that the world's not just about themselves.

I'm seizing the opportunity to blog here today given the fact that I'm on leave after two long days of overtime, and in view of the crazy thursday, friday and saturday to come.

Ten days of pure struggles did nothing for my already beaten soul. Day by day, I hate to admit it but I'm getting discouraged. It has actually hit a point where I was so vunerable that every wrong thing that came my way became a big threat to my already injured ego and it certainly wasnt a good feeling. Once more, I see myself failing to involve God in my work and my daily encounters, but invloving God sometimes feels like an uphill struggle rather than one that one should do gladly.

The only consolation I have are the friends that I have made in the department over the course of my work. My lunch hours suddenly feel so precious...the one hour in the day that I can rest my vocal chords and reduce my chances of getting high blood pressure. This jobline requires more stamina than I thought.

I happened to chat with a fellow collegue that had been working in the callcentre for ten years. I was shocked at the duration of her workyears there, and how she managed to stay there for that long. I even added that I was just approaching my second month here, and I was already gettin tired of all the nonsence there. It was a great encouragement to hear her say that she felt that I was doing well.

Not getting scolded by people early in the morning today and having the luxury of time to spend the entire day with my brother is really refreshing. It also just goes to show how hard working life can be. Well, on the brighter side of perspective, it develops me I guess. Workin hard and saving hard for school is no easy feat, and I guess this is God's way of telling me to be careful of my expenditures and the way I spend.

Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to lend a ear to T as he shared. As much as I was honoured, I was glad because T repaid the favor and lend me a really pair of enduring ears to listen to as well. Suddenly, I realised that I wasnt the only one having problems at work, and it was certainly time to do something about all these negativity in me.

Looking ahead and striving to run the race looks like such an obstacle to overcome for my weay soul, but I guess I'm not done with yet. For those who're reading this, please keep me in your prayers.

Much appreciated!

**FD**

Thoughts. Just Thoughts.

Wow. Yet another week has zoomed past with such unbelievable speed. Its hard to imagine that 7 days have come and gone, and I'm sitting here once more on a early Sunday morning typing my thoughts out on this little space here.

The past week at work was mad. I made mistakes, screwed up, and of course, took multiple trips on a roller coaster ride of emotions once more. The week past by furiously slow yet fast. I messed up stuff a little at work because of my inadequate knowledge of procedures and incurred the wrath of some folks over at the other end of the office. Yet my seniors were patient and guided me along without kicking a big fuss over my silly mistakes; and that I was genuinely grateful for.

I had a change in job scope and swopped jobs with my fellow temp collegue over Thursday and Friday. Initially, the sensitive me thought that I was doing badly in my present job scope and I was...well...rather discouraged. Well, all these thoughts of negativity were unfounded; they wanted to cross train us so that we'd be able to do each other's job when either of us were absent.

Faced with a new job scope and being completely unfamiliar with the procedures, I have to admit that I was really inefficient for the past days and with new promotions coming up and calls coming in, I found it hard to breathe, literally. I shared this with my fellow temp collegue and I realised that we were in this mess together.

Something happened during the workweek that really shook me hard. I needed to go to the store to requisite some publication for my clients. The storeman was extremely impatient and told me that I came at the wrong timing, but was silent when I countered by asking when the correct timing was. As he was searching the pile of publications to see what I was looking for, the pile of materials next to it collapsed. He literally cussed enough words to fill the space he was in, and event excercised some finger muscles.

I wasnt shocked at his behavior as I had been forewarned and I met people with similar attitudes along the way. What really shocked me was how eerily my actions resembled his (the cussing and the finger excercising) when I got mad. After thanking him, I left the place not upset with him, but with deep disgust and shame with myself. How many times had I displayed this kind of behavior at home? The incident count is indeed disturbing.

Following the sharing on cell group on Friday with regards to the assurance of salvation, I was deeply shaken to hear the implications and the biblical truths, yet was thankful for the amazing grace of God and His love for us. I left the session feeling convicted, yet less accused. The insigtness of my cell members and the truth has certainly set the records right.

I had the honor of meeting my ex collegues from my ex company for makan at Chomps. Its been a long time since we last met and I'm just soooo touched that they remember me and called me out for such a gathering...After such a sucky week, its something really nice that you can be thankful for.

As I end the entry and prepare to croak tomorrow, I pray that the days in front will be blessed. Praise ya!

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WaHhh

Woo. Its crowded in here isnt it?

Like I promised, it was really hot in herre at my place last Friday. The reading on the thermostat read 32 deg! By God’s grace, we managed to fit in almost twenty people in my little house. More amazing was the fact that we actually managed to have a good soup out of something seemingly orthodox and unconventional, and I really hope everyone enjoyed as much as I did.

The beginnings were humble. We just wanted a small cosy steamboat that served healthy food to a small group of people. As the days went by, the invitation list grew and so did the food list! Now it almost resembles the Lord ’s Supper, and I’m glad that things went on smoothly and that we had a wonderful time together J

For one, I think it was a prayer answered. As I ponder on Pst Joshua’s sermon that came a few months back, I thank God that I was very able to prepare for such a big event as a first timer, yet do it with the peace and grace of God. Nevertheless, I want to thank my dearest mother and eldest aunt who were really busy with me the whole day, and who took much effort to prepare the ingredients.

I was really touched by their enthusiasm and involvement. My aunt gave me a prep lesson on the basics of soup making, and went about getting all the ingredients beforehand. My mom went around shopping for stuff, and was on her feet with me the entire day, and even during the event itself, to make sure things went smoothly! The two ladies were occupied the whole day preparing the dishes and cooking the stuff.

At this juncture, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who turned up, contributed in your priceless ways and made the event such a roaring success! Now you know why we see the same old faces in any logistics team for the church, ha-ha.

I had the mind to take pictures of the preparations right till the event, but I was so tied up myself that I hardly found the time to take any pictures. Feeling bad for making my mom stay up on Friday; I apologized to her on Sat morning. To my surprise, she said that she had actually enjoyed preparing for the event and that it really helped to take her mind off her workload.

To the backache, the cuts and the fatigue I experienced that day…nothing is comparable to the immeasurable joy I felt being able to serve in such a manner. The joy of fellowshipping outweighs anything else I guess.

Whoo.

The gathering on Friday spells my second week at work. While I enjoy it despite the occasional tongue lashing I get from frustrated people, I like the business and the dynamics of a call centre. I can hardly afford to have time to feel bored! On top of that, this job has plenty of opportunities for me to OT…hehe. Naturally I’m on a little favor of that cause I get to earn more and save up for school.

On another hand, I find it unhealthy because the workaholic side of me is showing up. Other than my roaring tummy, I doubt I would have found the motivation to pack up and go home. On the other hand, I have things to do at home. I have to fulfill my responsibility as my son, an elder brother, and of course, sleep.

I actually opted out of singing this week for service, and missed my BS session with Melvin (SORRY!) because of my body yelling at me to catch some sleep. If this is the direction I’m headed towards, I’d really need to do something about it.

Sleep is something I’d really want to catch up on, and my body’s finding ways to tell me to get more rest and exercise. Physically and mentally, I feel like I’m 42, not a 24 to be. I just had a wonderful swim on Sunday, and I was surprised at how stretched I could feel, yet amazed at how fast my energy levels dwindled after that.

As I struggle with my never ending commitments and my irrational endeavors to run myself in overdrive mode and achieve them, I received a meaningful email. Excerpts of the mail as shown:

But God gave us twenty-four hours each day to accomplish our tasks and oh how we chafe under the restraint. Then we try to accomplish more than time allows. We place
ourselves under huge amounts of self-imposed stress.

As we do so, we also fight against God. We fail to recognize it cannot be God's will to pack more into twenty-four hour day than will fit. Because we don't like God's time constraints, we push ourselves. We get up early. We go to bed late. Yet the list of work
grows and stress grows too.

Look at what the Bible says, "It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors" (Psalm 127:2). The word "vain" means "deception." It is a deception to get up early, to cram the day with activities, to retire late, and to
see each day as a day of "painful labor," only to repeat the cycle again. Why? You will not receive that for which you work. Because you are forgetting God, you are not using each day properly. Psalm 118:24 says, "This is the day the Lord has made." Remembering the Author of time and setting priorities will reduce stress.

In moments like these, I am not ashamed to admit that I’m probably struggling with despondency at times because I’m not handling things in the right manner.

God help me.

For now, I cling on to this phrase: Be Privileged, Positive and Persevering. John 17 tells us why. J

Stunned

Wow. The week passes so fast, and its been a WEEK! since I last updated this space. Last Monday saw me being "fired", this Monday saw me starting my first day at my new workplace.

I was still pretty in a state of daze when I left my ex workplace last week. Although deep in my heart I knew that that was not the place for me to be in, I was still unsure if I had made the right choice in moving on. I went back for a "farewell" lunch on Tuesday, where I really enjoyed the company and the fun we had over lunch..

On Tuesday, I spotted this job opportunity as an events assistant. Naturally I was super excited and called up straight away. I went down for the interview full of hope, but I guess that wasnt the right place for me to be at that point in time. I didnt make it thru the second round! Wahaha.

Nevertheless, I thank God for a really efficient person by the name of Jaz...haha. A super enthusiastic and bubbly person I got to know. She's been of great help in keeping a lookout for me, and before I knew it, I was penning down details for my new job offer and attending an interview on Friday.

I wasnt really expecting to get the job cause I slept really late on Wed night, and as could be expected, was kinda zombified on the day itself. I was really nervous but the manager was super disarming. We had an interview over the wine counter in the pantry, and I was almost expecting to be offered some red wine during the interview itself!

Surprise surprise. In 30 mins flat I recieved the good news that I had been accepted, and "they liked me so much" that they extended my minimal contract to 3 months. I could stay indefinetly if I wanted.Ooo.

Saturday saw me doing street E's for the first time. Now to those who know me well, I always regarded this area as my weakness. I was really apprehensive about doing it in the first place, but after a period of learning, discovery and spritual prompting, I decided to go for it. At the end of it, I realised that it was not about "how ready I was", but the condition of my heart and my level of faith.

I was rather nervous, but I had a great time learning from James, who apparently was really experienced in this area of ministry. I'd like to thank James for his patience and the deep chat we had along the way, plus all of those who came along for being encouraging and supportive in their own special way.

I was deeply touched as the topic of "suffering" spoke to me greatly. Somehow, I prayed that this topic would strike deep into the hearts of those we were to minister to. Lo and behold! I met Tom, who was really an answered prayer in every sense. He was simply the highlight of the event. God is amazing!

I am thankful that
1) I finally got out of my ex job
2) I had a one week break!
3) I've a new job in less than a week.

For the past few weeks, I was in a state of searching and self reflection. I look on my spritual life and I wonder how far I have moved since the day I first came to be exposed to Christian teaching. I realised that at times, my knowledge of the Bible seemed inadequate. As I questioned myself, I was seeking the reasons behind my "slow" spritual progress.

Amidst all the involvement in the ministries that I am in now, I fear that I may have lost touch of the big picture. I fear that I could have been serving for the wrong reasons, but I do feel a strong sense of spritual passion for the ministries I am involved in.

Sometimes, I fear that I may develop this sprit of arrogance and self exaltation. May the good Lord humble my heart and keep me in check.

As I reflect on my walk with God, I am reminded of the need to be humble and seeking, not only in my spritual walk, but in the daily activities that I do. Christ's Humuilty was one of the impactful messages I've heard so far, and one that convicts me and puts my heart to shame.

God help me.

I have nothing to say about my new job, coz its the first day, but its a freezer in there (20 degrees), and the job's certainly exciting!

This time, I am DETERMINED not to repeat my mistake. May God be my daily companion thru every season of the soul.

To end off, I'd like to thamk the so many people who've been a great source of encouragement and support. Thank God for all of U.

Shalom!

Parents, realise your worth!

Came across this interesting article on the newspapers on-the-road, and was rather moved by the contents.

Strikes a chord in me somewhere, cause I can more or less relate to this lonely child in the article. I was fortunate enough, however, not to fall into deliquency or severe behavioural problems, thanks to the grace of our Heavenly Father.

To all fathers out there, please realise that you have an important role in the family, one that material nor wealth can fulfill!

While this article mentioned articles, I hope all parents will make the effort to spend quality time with their children. Such is the rentless pursuit of wealth and material gains in this fast paced society of ours that some of us cant even spend more than 5 hours of quality time with our children each day.

I certainly hope that despite my decision to join the events industry, I will have the luxury of spending quality time with my wife and children... :)

The Emancipation of Frazzie

24 hours a day. 7 days a week. 365 days a year. That’s what is given to us. How we utilize it is up to us!

Time is precious indeed. I find myself in a constant battle for time, time and more time to juggle between work, personal commitments and time for myself plus indulging in the things I want to do. Over the weekends, I wish I had more time to spend with my family and myself.

On Thursday night, I had a bad relapse of gastric pains. It had already hit me since Tues, but I didn’t want to see a doctor as I regarded it as a minor problem. However, the pain was so bad that I couldn’t even sleep on Thursday night. The end result was a zombie-fied me dragging my feet to the clinic. I was SO tired that my aunt had to wave in front of me before I realized that I had actually bumped into her along the way.

As I waited for 30mins, freezing in the otherwise undercooled common space of the clinic; I started thinking about the state of mind I was in. The confusion and struggles were certainly getting to me and making me a bitter and paranoid person.

I had a chance to chat with my doctor about work and even managed to tell him more about the products I sell. He offered words of encouragements before proclaiming that I had gastric flu and some viral infection.

Now that explains the lethargy and the body aches I’ve been experiencing the whole week. As I’m typing this on a Monday, I’m still pretty worn out by the experience. I napped for a record breaking 5 hours

A week of mad work, cell meetings and the weekends have come and gone by. Friday’s cell was a simple presentation on the 5Cs of evangelism, yet ideas flowed and we ended up doing in much deeper (or was it further?) than we expected. It was a great time of sharing and I was glad we were able to learn from each other. I shared about my struggles with work and gained invaluable perspective from folks who were already in the working world. As for me, I learnt how to be more effective in my spiritual skills in that area. God be willing, I want to be a fisher of men!
Saturday zoomed past so fast, that I didn’t even remember what went on. Sunday was a more interesting day. I attended my first church anniversary (it’s really my first!!) and I was really touched by how a “small” church like ours had big hearts for God. Everyone was working hard to make sure that things were in place, such that the celebrations went on as smooth as possible.

As for me, it was really gratifying as this was one of the few times I actually got off my lazy bum and chose to be involved in the logistics team for this event. Through this, my heart was humbled and I experienced the joy of serving and giving.

The highlight of the event was the sound system in the car park. With a great team of Ad, Art and Mel plus myself, we took down the ancient speakers and wired up the new ones. I was pretty amazed by the improvement in the sound itself, more so on how I was so privileged to be blessed in this area.



On that very night, I had a chat with one great gentleman I got to know recently. M’s a really insightful person and I felt really blessed to have him in my life. I thank God that He has sent this blessing to share unselfishly his learning and experiences!

One thing was for sure though. I was greatly reminded of the very basis of our belief, in JC Himself. At this juncture, I felt convicted. How many times did I actually place my wholehearted belief in Him while things were going haywire? I felt this great need to come before Him and surrender my life.

Monday, yet another day back to the same old place. I called some religious schools today. The B schools didn’t mind placing a listing with us and were extremely polite and friendly over the phone. In contrast, the C and C schools were rather edgy and declined to place a listing as they felt that their course attendees were “referred” by churches and that was no need to create publicity for themselves.

Couldn’t help but feel bewildered. Why were the responses of that of the B and the C institutions of learning so different? I hope wouldn’t display this spirit of exclusiveness when it comes to sharing the goodness of God.

On my MC, I wrote a small note to my manager, sharing with her how I felt that it was of an uphill struggle for me to continue with my telesales stint, and how I was plain frustrated with my inferior command of Chinese to communicate effectively. She was nice and took time to share my concerns and well, I was surprised to learn that in her opinion, I wasn’t doing so badly after all.

However, I voiced my intentions to move on, and although I could sense hesitation in her voice, she agreed to let me go.

I’m officially unemployed now. I walked out of my workplace feeling so much lighter and emancipated.

At this juncture, I’d like to have a little Thanksgiving session:

My aunt: Thanks for passing me your National a/cs! They rock.

Acts 1:8, Ad, Mel N, Mel C, Ferg, Viol and JH: Thanks for praying for me and keeping me sane thru this 1 month.

YPTMTeam: It’s a privilege working with ya lads, lets keep the friendship goin!

Lastly but not least, God, who maketh all things beautiful in His time.

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Things have been happening lately that somehow pushed me into this state of mind I'm in, of confusion, struggles and fear.

This week, I struggled alot with my temper. I wasnt nagged so much at, but I was really driven up the wall by the attitudes of some people.

Monday and tuesday seemed like they took 96 hours rather than 48 hours. With that state of mind, I was constantly in deep thought and reflection. I kept thinking of the past...how things took place and finally ended up like that

I struggle with my faith. I find it hard to comprehend how I could really pull through this two more months without smashing the monitor or just throwing in the towel. Know how I feel?

My close collegue got sacked on Tues and that really shook me. I started getting paranoid. I heard of rumours that two temp staff were coming in to replace "us". I was expecting myself to be the next to go. However, I was on leave on Wednesday, so I told my collegue to update me on any happenings.

Wednesday, a day of dust, noise and cool relief plus a blast of music finally came and went. The call never came, and I was surprised not to see my seat taken over by someone else. On the table, there was yet but another order form. God's really great at surprising me by placing order forms on my table and making sure thats the 1st thing I see on my table.

Still mentally preparing myself to be sacked, I called my agent to keep her prepared. I was surprised to hear that she doubted that I would be asked to leave and that there was no negative feedback about me. Wow.

Yet as the day passed, it was increasingly hard to focus..I was struggling and it seems like I was about to break.

I wish I could be fired yet ahead lies so many question marks.

God help me!

Suffering

Why is there suffering in this world?

I’m sure this is an oft-asked question asked by the human race, on a direct or indirect basis. Personally speaking, this is a question I don’t throw out that often, but I do have moments where I question the need to allow suffering into this world.

“Suffering” is not a bad thing in itself. Sometimes, it is what you make up of it. I take no pleasure in admitting that I do get confronted in moments that I define as suffering: inner doubts and struggles, conflict, emotional traumas etc. We may have brought suffering upon ourselves, or we might be victims of someone else’s misdemeanors.

Someone once mentioned that you do not have control of what comes crashing into you (90%), but you can CHOOSE how you respond to it (10%). While the proportion seems comically disproportionate, it is the 10% that makes the difference. You can let it ruin your day, or you can take it in your stride and enjoy the beautiful remaining moments ahead.

Last Friday, in response to several of my teammates’ disillusionment and low morale, we attended a prep talk by our training manager. Once more, I am reminded of the fact that what breaks us either kills us or makes us stronger. The choice is ours and ours alone.

It’s hard to keep check on our emotions and take things in a positive light, but we gotta try and rise up above our problems.

Sometimes the “sufferings” in your life allow you to see other things you normally don’t see. In times of bad, you can now see your true friends and family members rallying around to help and support you through your period of crisis. Helping someone to tide over their crisis while you are in your own helps you too look beyond your problems and in the process, mature in friendship and self-development.

I was fortunate enough to have great families and wonderful friends, believers and non believers alike, who listened, encouraged, and even lent a shoulder to cry own. In my own right, I hope I will be able to repay them the favor, and in a greater measure.

What matters more is not how much you have suffered, or how much are you suffering, but your ATTITUDE towards your present condition. You have the CHOICE.

And so do I.

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Looking back, its been about three months since I embarked on the journey of blogging online. What I can say is that this personal little space of mine in the vast world of the internet has been close to my heart. it knows my ups and downs, my joy and sorrow, and my inner thoughts.

This blog has also helped me express myself better. My inability and my reluctance to share and open up had resulted in my heart being hardened and my emotions being suppressed. With this, I am able to better express myself (in words) and in retrospect, I do not suffer from the aftermath of suppressed feelings :P

Expressing my thoughts in writing allows me to revisit the things I write about. In times of bad, as I pen down the posts, I'm able to revisit the situation(s) from a more positive light, identify the learning points and learn from my mistakes.

I hope this site encourages those who may be facing similar situations that I'm writing about. Be hopeful.

As fast as the weekends flew by, I realise I'm typing this on a Wednesday night. My previous post was posted on a Sunday, and that was way before a very uplifting and encouraging chat I had online with Prof Shao.

What seemed like a regular chat session progressed into one where Shao shared his heart for his ministry and the vision impressed upon him. Candidly speaking, I was impressed upon with a similar vision and it was certainly exciting to know that God has teamed us up to complete this mission for Him. As much as Shao felt relieved that he wasn’t the only one who was impressed upon this responsibility, I was relieved to receive this affirmation.

On hindsight, I'm thankful that God seems to be reminding me once more that there's more to this job I'm stuck in, and that I've every reason to be excited and passionate for His works waiting to be fulfilled through me. Because of that, I learn to look beyond my problems (my work) and learn focus on the big picture.

Shao, as we work towards our mission, may our faith be strengthened and stand tall through the test of time and trials. Amen?

Monday was a relatively quiet day. As time goes by, I get to know my team mates better and better. I'm truly appreciative of their presence in my life, they're this motivating factor that makes me wanna go work. Sales was way bad for that day, but the highlight was that we (the believers in our group) actually prayed for God's intervention.

To add on to the highlight, I was actually impressed by God to pray for this particular person. Somehow, the words just flowed and I was very touched when the person affirmed that I had just prayed for his needs (without him telling me what they were).

Somehow, God seems to be using me in ways I've never known or explored before. Praying for my cell members isn’t a habit of mine, let alone my colleagues.

To top of off, I had the privilage of having dinner in town with a great bunch of bros(no pics tho). I can’t believe that we actually sat at BK for more than an hour, chatting and crapping. What a fun experience indeed...I actually suffered from tummy aches from all the prolonged laughter.

I ended Monday with a fabulous note, but more surprises awaited me on Tues. Our sales did pick up (Praise God!) and as I was just joking that I should have prayed for myself coz those I prayed for closed deals, my order forms actually came in. For deserts, I had customers calling in to ask more about the product...and I was simply blown away.

All this happened after I was harboring thoughts of getting myself fired so that I won’t have to pay the early contractual termination fees. Fergus and Adrian were two nice accommodating folks who entertained and encouraged me thru that dreary day.

Wednesday--the day where most of us suffer from the midweek crisis--came and flew past without much mayhem, but I'm counting on God for sustenance for Thurs and Fri...I'm tired!

God Bless.