the awakening of....

As I end off this Sunday, I feel miraculously peaceful and still...despite almost having been in church the whole day. Discussions, mic cables, mics in pockets and red masking tapes have become common items synonymous with Fraser. To top if off, I just ended a session doing sound for an external congregation.

Praise to be God. There were no hiccups during the session at all! The program was astonishingly smooth, even on my end. This is despite the fact that I did not realise that they were into the actual program...until 30 minutes later. I drove stuff till red lamps were flashing, but things were sure really under control.

God seems to be really telling me something.

For once, I appreciate our church's 16 year old mixer. Cranky as it may be, I really do feel its a great piece of equipment that can be smooth sounding.

The greatest highlight of today was God's peace. Things went wrong for the 1st half of the day, but God helped me in remaining calm and collected all the way. I surprised even myself by packing up with a smile and yes, making new friends with ease.

If its of encouragement, it really makes a difference when you commit unto God your cares. But I have been outrageously guilty of not doing that.

This comes after my previous posts which reflected the mess I've gotten myself into. A close brother suggested that we'd feel all sorts being distant from our Maker. How true. I was in a complete mess that week.

Speaking of which, I'd really like to thank CUZ for having such a great heart and love for those around him. What a tangible representation of God. Firm and convicting, yet gentle enough to look beyond the surface and emphatise. Thank God for blessing me with you in my life.

And for the countless people who've stuck around, shown concern and administered God's love, I really appreciate you all! =)

To sum it all up, the pain, anger, hurt and bitterness remains. But I guess I now have the courage to stand strong, deal with them one at a time and move on because of God. Zai succintly sums it up when he remarked that as believers, we have the privilage of having a Divine being of whom we can pour our cares and sorrows unto.

'nuff said. my nose is screaming for tissue.

*winks*

Always,

noed resarf

:X

What a day..

I realised how old I really am..after feeling so extremely exhausted after walking from the MRT station to office today. Then again, I do realise that I am not exactly in the pink of health, and I feel pretty good to have completed the walk under the hot sun.

So much for saving energy. I thought I'd go without my cranky airconditioner last nite and sleep. Alas, my blissful sleep was somehow interrupted by the need to switch on the aircon in the middle of the night as it was EXTREMELY muggy in my room.

It sure helped me enter sleep better but I was coughing non stop because of the dry air. So much for the need for cool and humid air. Thats despite the fact that its set to 25 degrees!

I have a cranky aircon that takes FOREVER to cool and freezes when it decides to (normally about 3AM in the morning). The sleep mode is useless as it switches the fan speed to low and I dont really get much air movement with that speed.

Oh well oh well. Its time to invert...I'm grappling with sleepiness, grouchiness and a very bad migraine.

Signing off...

angster

Dear God..

I'm writing this at the point when I'm on the verge of breaking down...again.

Why do all these happen? When I make a stand to offer my life to be used by You, something always happens. I'm tested to a point where I don't think I can stand it anymore. I hate myself for being fragile and shaky.

Indeed, the enemy knows what matters to me most. I've been tested in ways unimaginable. every statement is an accusation, every turn down a rejection. People seem to have offended me to a great deal lately.

At times I do wonder if all these "evils" are pulling me further away.

If you would Lord keep me from evil. I seriously doubt I can take it any longer..

When I almost cried myself to sleep last night and cried out to you in prayer, I heard you asking me if I would just trust You. The worrisome thing is that I could not even reply. Letting go has become so difficult. There is so much rage and anger in me...letting go has not become an option anymore.

My mom told me gently last evening that I had become too withdrawn, and that I should start spending time with family and others instead of always cooping up. Point is, I tried to share but to no avail. No one seems to want to listen.

Even God seems so far at times...an alien being in this huge universe, a remote being. Though a fraction of me tells me that I have every reason to run back to Him.

Why can I relate to the song Step Back so much? Indeed, I do feel the desire to quietly go away...and not live amidst all these anymore.

I dread returning to 11.30am, seeing that same face that really drives me up the wall, sends me off in a spasm to control myself from punching the wall. I dread going back cos it is so difficult to deal with.

Thanks Blogger for listening quietly. Its been a long time and hard time bottling up all these...and I'm glad that I was able to do it in a peaceful manner.

God, I do wonder what are your thoughts on this. Perhaps if You've read my blog..but then again I suppose You already know how I am feeling.

I hate myself for being so fragile.