it was supposed to be...

It was supposed to be a happy day today.

I remember how we celebrated our birthdays. We’d have lovely cakes, family gatherings, and a simple meal then.

I’d remember the excitement and the special attention we’d shower on one another to make each other feel special. I remember, with a smile, how I insisted on going to Lau Pa Sat to celebrate your birthday- you agreed although Lau Pa Sat was the hardest place to park your car in back then.

Today is your birthday. I wonder how it must have been like to celebrate your birthday for the past eight years, without the usual faces and usual practices. Are you having fun?

I feel a tinge of regret, yet detect a faint trace of mockery in myself as I pen this entry. Are you happy where you are now? Did the second step of faith lift you up, only to send you tumbling down greater depths? Do you ever regret and reminisce, I wonder.

I don't feel good remembering your birthday and not doing anything about it.

You came into my life and you left, leaving in us too much emotional entanglements and bitterness. I’ve moved on, I’ve stopped hating, and I still remember you once in a while.

Happy birthday Dad. God bless.

Bleeding.

My heart bleeds for you. It aches for you, yearns for you, and overwhelms for you to the extent where I can continue no more.

Try as I might I dare not reveal myself. Will this be a slippery slope down to insanity? What ifs. So much doubts fill my mind, cloud my vision. What ifs.

The possible repercussions fill my mind. Like a playwright I rehearse the scenes over and over in my mind. Ending A? Cut. Ending B? Cut. 

The final act is over. The lights are dimmed, and I take a bow. The curtains come down.

I must be objective, I tell myself. Let's do it the right way. Let's not rush into things. Let's take it step by step, I hear myself say.

Yet none of these help to suppress the overflowing emotions within me, nor give me a clear direction. I feel like a fool babbling away into nothingness.

O the times I spent thinking about it, pondering, thinking. The times I prayed about it, and felt peace. Then again...my heart's crippled by the veins I keep on closing.