my weary soul.

I so didnt need that. Blogger asked me to migrate my old blogger account into a Google account. This just sums up a perfectly not so perfect day in my life. I am really tired (my eyes are closing) as I type this, but heck.

This is my personal blog. I think it is time I have to come clean with certain things I have felt in my heart. Its pointless keeping a blog if I cant even be honest with myself.

Work hasnt been good for me. I noticed that I've slipped into what Econs describes as the LDMR...the law of diminishing marginal returns. If I had ever hit the peak of my performance, that is.

I've been really troubled by my less then ideal performance at work weekly. I shall make no attempt to hide the fact that I havent been efficient. Worse still, Im a non efficient workaholic...I stay late or work during the weekends, yet remain counterproductive. Things have not been going smooth, and I do feel that fingers are pointing in my direction.

Am I really such a bad employee where I am now?

Its hard for me to really answer this question myself. My only saving grace is a boss who still believes in me ( I guess), and God who feels the anguish in my heart even as I type this.

I joined the company to challenge myself and to hone my talents, and hidden talents. Yet, part of me secretly craves for a job that's not desk bound, not 9-6. Part of me wants to slip into my jeans and tees, (I feel really more confident in that), and part of me really wants to just run around and pursuing my passion. Never mind the sunburn, the aching arms, and the sweat.

Yet again, I am thankful where I am. I see this an given opportunity, and another part of me feels that I have much to give to this company, and look back seeing how much we have grown and beat the odds. I want my boss to know that he has made the right choice...in taking a gamble and proving him right.

Yet I feel so discouraged. A lonely soul on the L4, -. A soul who's feeling detached and losing touch with the good old folks...a soul who feels insignificant. Nothing. At times, I miss the times where we were.

I cant be a hypocrite and try to smile through the changes as if I don't give a damn about the progresses.

Am I in the right place? In an organisation where them others are well versed in the right ways, I do feel left out. I dont participate in such related affairs since I dont know much. I feel overburdened. I feel attacked at times.

Screw me.

Im so lost and discouraged right now that I wanna cry and just drop everything. Yet, a part of me struggles knowing that there is a bigger picture. But how long and how can I hold on?

Those who are meant to read this will read this.

I have nothing to be cheerful about.